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«The Things That Happen In New York By James Hanson Copyright © August 2016 James Hanson and Off The Wall Play Publishers Caution: This script is ...»

The Things That Happen In New York


James Hanson

Copyright © August 2016 James Hanson and Off The Wall Play


Caution: This script is provided for reading purposes only. Professionals and

amateurs are hereby advised that it is subject to royalty. It is fully protected

under the laws of the United States of America, the British Empire, including

the Dominion of Canada, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, United Kingdom and

all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including but not limited to professional, amateur, film, radio, and all other media (including use on the worldwide web) and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved; and any unauthorized use of the material may subject the user to any and all applicable civil and criminal penalties. For any information about royalties or to apply for a performance license please click the following


http://offthewallplays.com/royalties-and-licensing-of-plays-sold-by-off-thewall-plays/ Cast of Characters Hank: About 31, Sarah’s husband, sarcastic Sarah: About 28, Hank’s wife, optimistic Ted: About 25, male, Hank’s Brother Joyce: About 24, female, Ted’s wife Scene Ted’s livingroom Time An evening.

ACT I/SCENE 1 (At Rise: HANK is sitting on the living room couch, sipping from a mug of coffee. Highlights of a baseball game plays on the TV (Mets against Orioles.) If a TV prop is not accessible, a newspaper turned to the sports section will do.

HANK looks displeased and shakes his head every time the Orioles take the lead. TED is swaying with one of his babies behind the couch, humming a lullaby and peeking at the highlights or newspaper. After the highlights, HANK focuses on his laptop, which is on the coffee table. SARAH enters the stage and kisses him on the cheek.) HANK (Shakes his head as if trying to shake off the kiss) Please don’t kiss me. I’m not in a pleasant mood.

SARAH (Smiling) The deed has already been done.

HANK Sorry, the Mets have broken my heart once again.

TED That’s a lot of heartbreaks this season.

HANK And more to come.

TED (Points to the portrait on the wall) Remind me to

–  –  –

HANK You did, and I thank you for that. I haven’t felt this good in quite some time. Life’s been that stressful.

TED I’m sorry about your apartment, Hank. I wish I had the money to help you pay the rent that you owe, but Joyce and I are broke.

HANK If you could do more, you would. I know that.

–  –  –

HANK You sure joked yourself out of that disaster.

SARAH If only they were here, alive and well. Maybe they could have offered us some advice.

HANK My mom would slap me for not taking good care of you.

My dad, he’d just take me out fishing. Because fishing solves everything.

–  –  –

HANK That’s interesting, because they seem to have a pact.

When one goes to sleep, the other wakes up. So you don’t ever get relief. Any minute now we’ll be hearing the cries of baby number one. Sad to say they’re out to get you.

TED But you have my back, bro.

HANK I have no part in this baby business you’re running.

TED But you’re their uncle.

–  –  –

HANK While watching the game I might pop the ball.

TED Have you ever tried putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it every time you got upset? I’ve heard that works.

HANK I haven’t tried that one, but all I’m seeing is blood.

TED Your case is extreme.

HANK But anyway, why are you smiling so much? Because of your sleeping babies?

–  –  –

HANK I’m just waiting for a call from a potential job. You know how it is, Ted. No, you don’t, because you’re a stay at home dad/husband.

–  –  –

TED So we have an hour’s wait. I got chips, dipping sauce, and frozen cooked ribs if you want.

HANK I don’t have much of an appetite.

TED It’s the stress. You usually eat a lot.

–  –  –

HANK Let’s not talk about having babies.

TED You’re in the wrong house, Hank. This is a house of babies. So just try to keep calm, and you’ll make it through the night.

HANK See, honey. He’s trying to make me have bad dreams.

SARAH I’m actually happy you’ll be around the babies. There’s no place you can hide. You’re trapped here so you’re forced to get accustomed to them.

HANK Why are you two talking like that?

–  –  –

TED Hold one of them. You’re their uncle.

HANK I will eventually.

TED Eventually as in when they’re in high school and they’re ashamed to even walk next to you?

–  –  –

HANK I’m with Sarah, though the free beer is always appreciated.

TED For the game this evening, I have a rack in the fridge.

HANK Are the babies going to be here? Beer and smelly babies don’t go well together.

–  –  –

HANK (cont’d) myself, here’s an opportunity to do good. I give him the two quarters I had, but he doesn’t say thank you.

So I say, a thank you would be appreciated. He then says his performance is thank you enough, and proceeds to threaten me. I had trouble finding Mr. Slater’s building, and when I did find it, I got to the interview late. End of miserable story.

SARAH Hank, poor Hank.

HANK Poor me. What have I done to deserve all of this?

SARAH Bad things happen to good people.

HANK I don’t know if I’m a good person.

SARAH You haven’t done anything bad to me.

–  –  –

HANK I’ve been hoping to get back on my feet from since eight months ago. My hope is almost dead. But keep on hoping, honey. Your hope gives me wings.

SARAH It’s not that bad. We’re still eating.

HANK Ramen. Everyday. I’m surprised I haven’t gone to the emergency room yet. We haven’t had a decent meal in months.

SARAH You really miss my cooking.

HANK Honestly, I miss eating out. We’ve already gone through this honey. You’re a terrible cook. Terrible. You know why I married you? Because you’re beautiful. Not for your cooking.

–  –  –

HANK It’s that a woman thing, because I don’t get it.

SARAH Just call it a Sarah thing.

HANK I don’t like living a lie, so yes, your cooking is terrible. Sorry, honey, you married the wrong guy.

SARAH I married the right guy, he’s just flawed.

HANK And broke.

SARAH Be positive, Hank. I also married for better or worse.

HANK It just upsets me that we’re living off your babysitting and housecleaning money.

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