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«Roland Michel Tremblay rm Kiddo Blog in L.A. 2 December 2005 Kiddo blog in L.A. 1 I have now an ...»

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So I don’t care for Leonardo’s friends that I will never meet. The day I will meet them, is the day I will be able to do something for them, and that day, I will let them down badly. Because I have other ideas, a perfect idea of perfection, and I’m afraid to say, it does not include them. I don’t mind how great they are, what they could do for me, I will get there anyway by my own means, by my own intelligence, my own creativity. It will explode, no doubt, never mind if this is only to happen in 10 or 20 years.

I have waited 15 years before getting published. I can wait before exploding all over Hollywood. The concept is so ridiculous anyway, it sounds very much like the dreams of a child. Somehow being here gives it more credibility in the eyes of my parents, but I would have expected them to freak out and laugh out loud if I had not been here, not done what I have already done, and telling them that I am going to Hollywood. Sounds like: I’m going to Disney Land!

Maybe nothing will happen while I’m here. Perhaps I will just go back to London and forget it all. I will be able to say in a few years time: oh yes, I was there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it all. Big deal. My success might never happen via Hollywood. Even if my trade is science-fiction, and who else on the planet has the money to invest in such projects but Hollywood? It does not make sense at all that I would be here for no reason, for nothing to happen in the end. I know that, so I know I’m talking bollocks here.

I imagined that to be much easier. Sucking a few dicks, actually enjoying it (that’s the difference here), and get all my projects produced. Simple! It does not work like that, unfortunately. It could, with the father of the kiddo, he is gay after all, and quite old, and quite successful. But I’ll never meet him, even Leonardo can’t stand the idea of seeing him again. And the son would want to get in the way, he would want to have sex with me just to stop it all. But it would not work.

It has been a long time since kiddos had any effect on me.

I don’t want to have sex with someone who does not desire me in the first place.

As with Leonardo, it is like having a penis on me, it turns me off. Blackmail would not work either on me, I have nothing to hide, I am pure and innocent, and if

–  –  –

But I don’t care much for that complicated scenario. Great ideas are great ideas, they go somewhere, even if it is only in cyberspace. And that’s enough for me anyway. My million plus visitors, is fine by me. Even if I don’t make any money out of it. Being greedy, brings our own destruction. Let it all come out in the open! Let my mind come out! You’ll see how far we can go.

So, I still believe I have a great destiny ahead of me. Funny, especially that despite the fact that I am in Los Angeles, nothing hints at this idea. In fact, everything points out to the biggest failure of all, never going anywhere anytime soon, complete delusion. That’s ok, I lived with that all my life, I can die with my illusions.

Anyway, I have already written a book about my stay in Los Angeles. And instead of taking a year, as it usually takes, I did that in three months. Perhaps this is my legacy.

Even if I haven’t met anyone, did not even get close. Who cares? As I said before, it is the idea, the concept of it that counts. Not what happens once you’re there, not whatever I could write about it.

I am so cynical. I don’t want any label. I don’t want to be a successful writer and be stuck writing boring TV series that I care nothing about. With my big house in the hills, and the big car that costs more than whatever people make in one year.

I don’t want that lifestyle. It is too common.

I am the Marginal, I want something more, something better, something that not everyone has already gone through. God, at that point, better disconnect me from reality and plug me into a machine recreating a virtual reality. Anything else but whatever else people have already gone through. I think I still need to go to China or something. And write about it. I don’t know. Maybe I just need to die, it would be so much simpler.

Yes it would.

–  –  –

(NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 3 START) Let me tell you all the truth. I got some crabs from some ugly old man the first two weeks I was in LA. The reason the Kiddo, my Kiddo, is not calling back, is because he knows I gave him body lice. And it is too embarrassing for him to let me know.

I finally told Leonardo that I might have given him some crabs. I would have expected some sort of crisis, but so far it has not materialize, except that I have not seen him or heard from him for a few days now.

These body lice are not your usual variety. They are definitely the Next Generation. I have applied this product that is said to cause cancer, five times now, and still I was unable to get rid of them. And in perfect and protective America, the only product that could kill these bastards that are eating me alive, is a product that is only available via prescription, which means a doctor, which means $300. So I am stuck with these bugs forever! And condemned to give them to anyone I come in contact with. And this kills me.

They have already destroyed my relationship with the Kiddo, and it would be a miracle if they don’t destroy my friendship with Leonardo. I would not kill a fly in my apartment, or a spider, but these creepy creatures sucking my blood and destroying my life and my destiny, I tell you, I would exterminate them all! I am the Hitler of the crabs! It is my new destiny… (NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 3 END) Leonardo just called, and lied. Did not take long. He said he did not see his kiddo, I don’t believe it. He saw instead Isabella, the girl who has been after him since they have met recently in a bar. God knows, she may also be a danger to our relationship, perhaps he is still willing to try a girl, since he is so blocked on his gayness.

74 (NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 4 START) And I realized that perhaps I care more for him than I thought. I think I just written it off because of the bugs, took it for granted that after that, there is no future in any new relationship. Maybe I was wrong. It will take time anyway before I can get over my traumatic experience of sleeping with him. And the bugs served me well, I blamed them for not wanting any intimate relation between us.

So perhaps they are part of my destiny, who knows?

(NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 4 END) I would not mind to be in his arms again, see where it could lead. Even if less than an hour ago it was completely unthinkable. Maybe it is the alcohol talking.

And maybe the alcohol will be talking this weekend once he is here again and I am drunk. I am getting so desperate for affection, even a red headed guy would do.

It would be different now. It would not be casual sex. It would mean something.

It would be weird. It would have a lasting effect. If I could get him to suck my dick now, it would give me a weird sensation, a weird pleasure, because it would not come from a stranger, but from him. We have got closer in the last few months, very close. And this is not infatuation, like it was with the Kiddo.

The truth is, I have no idea what is ahead of me. I’m willing to explore, I do not shut myself down. I am not planning my way out to London. I am going to live what it is that I was supposed to live.

(NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 5 START) And these bugs won’t stop me. They must have their reasons to have ended up on me, somehow this is what was supposed to happen, even if I cannot see it right now. For now, Leonardo believes that the Kiddo gave them to me, and that is the reason he is not calling me back. So he has a reason to celebrate, the bugs got rid of the Kiddo. In a way they did, but of course, because I gave them to him. Even now I cannot be honest about that sad old man I met in my first two weeks, because I was so desperate to celebrate my newfound freedom. I need to be shot.

–  –  –

There was another bastard in that story with whom I had sex. He is from Puerto Rico. Once only, lasted less than two hours. Yet, it might have been the most two worst hours of my life if I find out that I have aids in three months time.

He wanted to fuck me, and he did, and it worked. He was able to get it all in, with a condom of course. But just before he came, he was kind of over me, pretending that I was penetrating him, and when I asked if I was in, and that I hoped I was not because I did not have a condom, he said that this is why he had his hand there, that he was making sure that this would not happened. However, when he came, he suddenly got my dick in, even if I could not really be certain.

I don’t think he was that much a risk, he lives with his girlfriend, and from I could gather, he was not very active on the dating website. And hopefully he does not go around taking that much risk with everyone. So I doubt that I got aids from that three seconds penetration. However, I cannot be certain. I can’t even be sure if I penetrating him or not. And now I understand how easy it is to get AIDS.

Great! I will leave Los Angeles with a collection of indestructible crabs, and a death warrant that will come in perhaps 10 years. And much suffering and drug cocktails in between.

Well, this news should rejoice me, I always wanted to die anyway. But not in 15 years or so, after so much suffering and knowing the inevitable. My cousin almost died two days ago in a car accident, my other cousin is in prison for drunk and driving. That could have been my faith if still in Canada. So it is not the end of the world. I can still probably write 20 books, 50 film scripts, who knows.

Still. Puerto Rico. These people perhaps don’t care, they are not worried, they just get AIDS and die, like most of Africa. They appear to not be able to think, they appear to be very willing to kill anyone else without giving it a second thought. And maybe this is what I am dealing with here. A quick search on the Internet tells me that Hispanic people are the most at risk of AIDS. And many are living in Puerto Rico. Dear me, I’m as good as dead.

76 I still don’t think I got it, I still don’t even know if I penetrating him. But somehow it would just be my luck. I’ll know in three months, when I can finally have a meaningful test.

Well, now you can’t say that I am lying. It is going beyond the call of duty, once again, for a writer to be so honest in his writings. And yet, it took me a month to admit that AIDS thing, and three to even tell you about the bugs. I have no doubt now that my value in your eyes has gone out the window. I’m a tramp, as good as a whore. So be it.

Let’s wait until this happens to you, and then you will understand. Sorry, are you Christian and pure then? Fuck you then. Don’t get out of your home, don’t get out of your life, and never be exposed to terrorists, nuclear attacks, or cancer. Good for you, good boy, good girl. Don’t worry, it is people like you who will get AIDS in the end, it won’t be me.

I have a destiny to accomplish, I cannot be stopped by that. But your life is meaningless. That you are alive or dead makes no difference. So we might as well have you suffer from the impossible. Anthrax is probably what will kill you eventually, since Osama Bin Laden is still alive and kicking. Good luck!

I feel better now that I have told you all. I feel that this was the test and I passed. I feel that I no longer need to get AIDS form my point of view of destiny, because I was able to tell it all here tonight. I would not need to be forced later on to admit that I’m dying.

Anyway, it would give me another reason to commit suicide, a good one this time. I’m telling you, I will never reach that hospital for invalids dying of AIDS, I will be long dead by then. Never mind that getting AIDS now would not necessarily mean death, since they could come up with some sort of cure. We live 20 years now, wonderful. 20 painful years where I would know that I will eventually die. Forgetting that I could easily die from 20 other reasons within months instead. How convenient.

And my whole dream of becoming positive would be completely thrown out the window. It would be 20 years of the darkest stuff one has ever read. Cynicism at the forefront. It would not be good, I’m telling you. I doubt you would not commit

–  –  –

No, it makes no sense, I don’t have AIDS. I would just like to be sure, even if I have this desire to die. But not like that, it is too common. I am the Marginal. My death will not be that.

(NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 5 END) 7 February 2006 (1) Kiddo Blog in L.A. 22 Leonardo just left, again I thought he would never leave. We went to see Brokeback Mountain tonight, and funny enough, though I could not draw any parallel between our lives and the guys in that movie, he saw just about every parallel there is.

Once again he spent many hours talking about his childhood, and how screwed up he is. And I told him that he needed a good slap in the face to get back to reality, and forget about second grade psychology, and start looking at the present and the future.

He seems very much in love with me now, I could see he wanted to kiss me many times, and he did, and I blamed any reason I could find to explain the fact that I tried to avoid him sleeping here for many weeks now. When really it was more about how traumatic it had been the first two times.

He still sees us as a couple destined to something great, he also acknowledged that it was not his place at the moment to try to get more involved, while I had all these decisions to make, like remaining here or going back to London with my boyfriend. That I still very much love and would like to remain faithful to.

Our little trip to Santa Barbara, where he spent many years of his life, seemed to have had a big impact on him. Even though he said tonight that it is because he does not have money to splash on me that he is trying to make me discover the place, to show me that he has something to offer. I don’t know in which century he is living in.

–  –  –

In Santa Barbara, when I was looking at him that whole day, I did not think that I fancied him and would like to sleep with him again. Tonight I thought I would have liked to be in his arms. So I don’t know what is going to happen between us.

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