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Tomorrow I will be a zombie at work again. I won’t be able to do anything. He is again responsible for this. Weeks are passing very fast, they turn into months, and yet we are not going anywhere, it takes forever. That film script will never be finished or be sold this year. That is why my second big idea for our next project, I have decided that I will be doing most of the writing. I cannot wait for him to finish the first one, I will be dead by the time he finishes it.
Anyway, the second script is very much about great dialogues, they are all in my head, and I need to write them. So I will even skip the long synopsis, I will jump right into the script. One thing I have learned through this, don’t waste time writing what the story will be about, just write it now. And that is what I will do this weekend.
And now I am going to bed, I’m dead. I might go to work an hour late, otherwise I will be so unproductive, I will be useless. Again I am risking my job, I could be sacked on a whim, but what can I do?
6 March 2006 – 3 am I finally got back from San Francisco. From the time it took for me to get to Los Angeles, you would think I just came back from London. The flight was very late, and once I arrived at Burbank airport, no staff of United Airlines was to be found in the whole airport. My bag was stuck in one of their offices, with no way to retrieve it. Great customer service, I will think twice to pay cheaply next time and choose United.
Though the kid has a nice body, I would not say he is that god everybody described to me. He certainly has no intelligence and all his little games he is supposed to be playing with everyone, must be the fruit of an immature kid, and not very bright at that.
He took his first shirt off in the car, showing a camisole of some sort. He put it back on once we got out of the car. He did not seem to like me very much at the beginning, I was certainly not in the mood to meet him tonight. But then I made a few jokes and he unfroze. At my place we drank some beers and then I was very funny. I was also very careful to pay him as many compliments as possible, since I have been told that he was desperate for that kind of shite.
Well, overall, when you look at him, you would not think anything of him. And yet, it is undeniable that inspired at least three books, a few songs and a huge big blockbuster coming out in a month worldwide. The actor who plays him is huge, it is almost unbelievable. It is a mystery to me how this is possible.
They asked how much I was paying for my apartment which must have looked luxurious to the kiddo, when I said $1500 a month, he almost fell off his chair. He must think now that I am rich or something. If not, he must already be calculating about how he could move in, since he can no longer inhabit the huge house of his father, that has now been rented to two friends of the family.
No doubt I would benefit form the perks of friendship, as he calls it. We would sleep together every night. No doubt I would probably come back home one day and my computers and DVD recorder would be gone. No doubt either that my relationship with Stephen in London would then be over, and the one I never had with Leonardo out the window as well. But yeah, I would certainly write a whole book, and perhaps his great father would manage to get it filmed.
I’m not sure if I would want all that. It has crossed my mind already, there is no way it has not crossed his also. He also apparently has a feet fetish thingy, and
I think he is going to meet a brick wall with me. I don’t think I am willing to jeopardize everything in my life for a book and perhaps a film deal, and oh, great sex every night with a 22 year old that apparently the whole planet fancies. Give me an old fatty instead any day, yeah, right. It would be tempting, but the price to pay might be just too high. Not that I care losing both my computers and my new DVD recorder which will not work in England anyway, he can steal that, I don’t care. My passport though, I would keep at work. I can just imagine the nightmare of trying to get those visas again. Though it could be easier for me to get my British citizenship without a year visa valid for the US. They will certainly be wondering if I was in the UK this last year or not. All right, let him steal my passport as well. I hope he will leave my underwear at least, so I won’t go completely naked in the streets of Los Angeles.
I don’t know. A kid who tried to sue Leonardo for sex with a minor when it was not true, who is recording everyone’s conversation on the phone when he calls his friends, who has successfully sued many people in the past for god knows what, I would need to be pretty blind to get myself into that. Especially that 22 year old don’t particularly attract me. He does not particularly attracts me. However I’m sure it would be the best sex I had in years, once I get used to it. I’m not desperate for it though, I will be more than happy with Stephen once I go back to London.
It is most probable that I am jumping the gun here, I might never see him again, and it would be a good thing. He wanted to meet me, he wanted to see the new influence on Leonardo’s life. And he is probably now working hard telling him that I am no big deal. He certainly would not understand what it is that Leonardo sees in me, I can’t see it myself. I’m supposed to have changed his life, I’m supposed to be the new and only love he ever had, I’m the so-called savior who gave him back his inspiration and unleashed all his talents. My God, I wish I could meet myself then, I am in great need for stuff like that. But everyone is so boring on this planet, everybody fits in so perfectly, I could never find inspiration anywhere.
We talked about his father, how hard he worked all his life, how an accomplished writer he is, with his 52 published books, many best-sellers, and I had to retain 81 myself from going to the toilet to throw up. I’m so jealous, I’m so pretentious, I feel I am myself sitting on a huge time bomb and that I will one day eclipsed them all. It is a great feeling, the energy necessary to believe that I am as great as them, that I am greater than anyone, no matter their success. Nice to be so disillusioned, at the same time, I need any kind of motivation, a boost, so I can start to work harder to actually achieve something greater. I can’t imagine that it is all that I have done in the past that will get me somewhere. It could, but I doubt it. Oh dear, if only I had that chance again to work full time on my writings, I would blow off this world. All these ideas I have that I could develop, it could revolutionize everything. As it stands I might never get that chance.
Oh, and that great news Leonardo wanting me to be back in Los Angeles to tell me about, is not that he wrote two more pages. It is that his great friend actor read our last film script, and was blown away by it. I sure hope so, it is the greatest thing I will ever write ever, if my destiny continues the way it is going, down the drain.
He feels this is new sci-fi, a total renewal of everything, and it sure is. He thinks this is huge and will be produced with a budget of millions of dollars, it would be too good to be true. He is flattered that we want him as the main actor, how surprising. He wants us to meet the other great sci-fi writer of Hollywood, the one getting millions of dollars for each of his film scripts. If I were to tell you here who he is and what he has done, you would certainly fall from your chair. And I supposed to meet them all very soon, and get this great project going.
Oh God, could it be true? Could it be that easy? Am I closer than ever even if I could not see it before? Is it possible that I have met the single one person in L.A. that could open me all the doors and irretrievably change my life? Was I not following that destiny anyway? There is no way I moved here, sacrificed everything, for nothing. Maybe that is it, maybe I will now work at writing full time. Maybe I will eclipsed them all, because I am very prolific, I am good at what I do, I am full of excellent ideas, and clichés are far from my mind.
I don’t need Hollywood, Hollywood needs me. That is how I have to see this. And if my meager accomplishments so far can show them the light, prove to them my potential, I am laughing. I will get there. I feel electrified tonight. Better enjoy it while it lasts, I might very well be suicidal again tomorrow night. And discover that though Hollywood needs me, since they are producing only crap at the
I am convinced now that I don’t need to contact anyone else whilst in Hollywood.
If nothing happens with Leonardo’s contacts, then that’s ok, I will accept my defeat. Somehow I feel something will happen, I will succeed, they will see my potential, and I will do what no other French-Canadian ever did, I will be a high paid writer in Hollywood.
Fuck them, fuck them all. Could not get any of my books published there in 20 years, got published in France instead. And now, the highest anyone can achieve, an opened door to Los Angeles. Perhaps now they will talk about me in their newspapers and magazines. They did, but it is not enough, I never had my name mentioned in the two biggest newspapers.
Shit, I have a magazine in France now doing a great article on me, and yet in Québec they are still completely ignoring me. Who needs them anyway? One day I will be the greatest writer Québec has ever known, whether they want it or not.
And that day I will tell how unhelpful all of them have been, how they tried everything to discourage me to get anywhere with my writing. One day I will proudly spit on them. Fuck them, fuck them all.
My speech for the Oscars has been ready for years. I will tell the world that I would like to thank everyone who has never believed in me, who tried everything to discourage me to pursue my dreams, since this is all I have ever met all my life. And I will tell to everyone to not listen to anyone, and to continue to believe, because then they may have a chance to get somewhere. Nothing is too big, no dream is too large or impossible to achieve. Get to work, sacrifice everything, don’t doubt yourself, and get there in the end. What a great speech, now I only need an Oscar, so I can tell the world.
Wow, it is nice for a change to get my old self back. The one who truly believes he can achieve anything and will be very successful one day. I thought I’d lost that kid in me sometime ago. Normally I would delete what I just wrote, because I know very well the answer it would get from all the critics and anyone else reading this. That much pretentiousness does not deserve to succeed. The answer to that would be to hate me.
83 So be it, I am beyond caring, considering that most of the time I don’t even believe in myself. So when it comes, I will enjoy it. It is that kind of burst of energy that could get me there, that convinces me that I can get there, that I will get there. And if I want to change my future on that kind of scale, I will need that kind of determination, that kind of assurance in my potential. If I don’t believe in myself, I don’t deserve anyone else to believe in me. Even if somehow I could manage to open myself the doors of Hollywood, with that kind of attitude, I would write mostly crap on demand instead of achieving great things and revolutionizing everything along the way. Because this is the kind of person I am.
I have the greatest ambition, and no one will take that away from me. So get lost, I have a destiny to accomplish, and you are in my way, as you have always been. But soon, no longer will anyone be in my way. Mark my word.
7 March 2006 – 3 am Did not take me long to get back to reality. I am far from thinking about film script right now, as if it is something that never existed. What existed and who was just a vague image in my mind up until yesterday, is the kiddo of Leonardo.
It seems to me that he is spending all his time with him, which is why he barely calls me anymore. The reason is also because his father is away to New York, so it is much easier now. What could they possibly talk about all day? They have nothing in common except marijuana. No wonder I was a god sent when we met and we started to talk about the universe, the meaning of life, religion, inventions, theoretical physics, etc. I was with the kid less than three hours yesterday, and I was already bored out of my mind. It is therefore obvious that there is a strong physical attraction there, not even sure if it goes both ways.
I was not worried or jealous yesterday, especially that I kind of let Leonardo down by leaving for a week and not seeing him so often. And yet it is bothering me, even if I don’t want sex with him or start a relationship. The thing is, this is what he wants, and at the beginning he did say that the reason he did not find me attractive right there, was that his mind was still floating in his mind around what he feels is the cutting thing around, his kiddo. And now this is what he got back. So I might as well no longer exist. I might have lost a friend, my only friend in fact, and maybe this is why I feel something, even if it is not very strong. Of 84 course, nothing prevents me from still being his friend, so in the end this is all ridiculous.
I don’t know. I thought that perhaps we would in time develop relationship, and that maybe it all depended on if I was going to remain in Los Angeles longer, which depends on how his friends react to the film script we have been working on. And now, the kiddo back in the décor, seems to me to have destroyed it all. I don’t want to be the consolation prize for when the kiddo will no longer want to have sex with him. I can’t compete with a 22 year old kid who was capable to charm everyone around him to the point that now he has become larger than life and his miserable existence is about to splash on every silver screen worldwide.
Nor would I want to compete with that. I’d rather leave, forget it all.
I would love to know if they have sex, but of course, even if I were to ask I would not get the truth. I would only show my jealousy, when in fact it cannot even be called that. If the kid was actually gay, and I thought they could develop a real relationship which could last for at least a few years, I would be happy for them.