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But this is not the case. They will have sex, the kiddo will get tired, and Leonardo will no longer sleep in my bed since I am not at all that semi-god he just filled his head with. What does not help either, is that none of them are working right now in a 8 to 5 job, and they don’t seem to be bothered by staying together for days on end when I reach my limit after 12 hours with Leonardo. And I am working like crazy, there is no end to it. I can’t even breathe. I might as well forget Leonardo right now, just continue to work on the script, that’s it.
Might be better that way, I did not really fancy having sex with him, and I have my Stephen in London. But I am really in need for affection and sex, I’m going stir crazy. Two more months, and it means a return to London. And then, I’m not even sure if I will get that affection and sex from Stephen, since over the years he has become a cold fish.
7 February 2006 7h35 pm
Something is up with Leonardo. I called him tonight after a day hiatus, and usually he would be so pleased to speak to me. Tonight he could not get off the phone quick enough, after only 2 minutes. His excuse was that he had to go and run outside, that would have never stopped him from speaking to me before. And 85 I when I quickly mentioned that he was now best friend with the Kiddo, his answer was that he had to go now.
It speaks volume, from a guy who would not leave my place, who would not hang up the phone after 7 hours of talking about nothing. I don’t know what changed in his mind, but tonight I felt that it was over between us before it even started. I guess the Kiddo must be responsible, somehow he was able to convince Leonardo that I was not worth it. Or, his interest is now so focus on the Kiddo (to whom he was probably going tonight instead of running outside), that he simply lost his interest in me. Maybe his love for me has been shifted towards the Kiddo, which anyway was a huge obsession for him, he could not talk about anything else for months!
So tonight I got the message. What I suspected was true. I have lost my only friend in Los Angeles. If I had anymore alcohol in the house, I would drink myself to death right now. Just as well that I don’t, I cannot afford to be a zombie in the office again tomorrow.
And since I am not like Gloria at work, who is a real bitch with her new boyfriend, being hysterical and demanding, playing mind games like an insane woman, I will be sensible about this. I will not call him back, but not because I want him to understand and flip, but because I understand that at the moment he has his hands full with the Kiddo. It is likely that once the Kiddo disappears, he will come back to me crawling, however the Kiddo is in such a weird situation at the moment, that could last a while, that I think he will need Leonardo for much longer than I will actually remain in Los Angeles.
And by being sensible, I mean to be nice and polite and Leonardo calls, pretend that nothing is unusual or has changed, and even see him if he wants to, but of course, never asking to see him myself. This is what good friend is. Not telling him that he should not see the Kiddo, that he will suffer the consequences at some point, or give him ultimatum. I just have to accept my place, and perhaps find new friends, if that is at all possible.
What is more worrying is where our film script stands now? Another big mistake, to work on any project attached to someone else or any production company. I have made that same mistake again! I can’t believe it! Stuck with something we will never finish, without the rights to do anything with it. I could curse myself
I’m not sure now how I could get rid of all of his ideas, and convince him that what remains is mine and I can do whatever I want with it. Well, maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe we will still finish the damn thing even if it is going to take years. But for me that’s it, never again will I work with someone else, or for someone else, without first seeing a paycheck. Thank God I am leaving Los Angeles, thank God I am abandoning the idea of succeeding in Hollywood writing film scripts. It has been a disaster at every single turn, and I cannot see how it could ever be otherwise in an industry so rotten as television and films.
And right now I am even more disgusted and gutted by Depeche Mode. I paid nearly $30 dollars in Virgin in San Francisco for their special remixes album, a two CDs set, and then I get home, check Amazon, and find out that there is a special limited edition available everywhere on the planet for the same price, containing three CDs! I cannot forgive them for that. I will have to download for free that third CD, because there is no way I am buying that thing again. And then the quality will be so bad, I’ll never listen to it anyway.
I think I should just go to bed and forget these last few days. This life is becoming a real nightmare, I was not expecting that. I’m pleased there is no alcohol in here, I would drown myself right now. Funny how one stupid little impatient phone call with Leonardo, where he obviously did not want to speak to me, can turn me into. Especially after all the problems I just went through in San Francisco with the Valley Girl, and all the stress of my late conference. I’m really reaching the end of my tether. I am that closed to leave it all behind and hurry back to London. But I can’t, I’m stuck here for another two months, whether I want it or not. They may turn out to be the two longest months of my life! With nothing that great to expect once I return to the UK. Equally a life of hell I would imagine, without a job, with this $1000 a month to pay to my bank. With this crazy idea of starting a conference company with no funds to begin with, to even survive. My life is going into the gutter. I need another miracle real fast! I need another way out now!
87 I wish I could just shed some weight instantly, get back my youth, and get out every night in the clubs of Los Angeles until something happens, even death. I’m prepared for anything. I just need to forget my life, forget whatever that I have been working on in the last ten years, start anew. Oh wait, was it not why I sacrificed everything to come to Los Angeles in the first place? What happened then? Got too cozy in that stupid 8 to midnight job? Forgot I had some dreams to pursue? Been wasting my time with a bunch of losers, my God, they are everywhere, even in Los Angeles. I’ve been blind. I have great things to achieve, I have no time to get there, I have to act! I have to do anything, now!
I need to forget that TV and DVD recorder that I have not used at all in the last four months. Forget to write stupid film scripts who will never go anywhere.
Forget to write stupid books that will never see the light of day. I need to forget my backup plans of starting a useless business. I do not need to pretend anymore that I am accomplishing something. I am not accomplishing anything, I am not going anywhere, and if I continue on the same path, I am doomed. I need to live!
What happened to myself? How could have I let myself be distracted by everything, every single little trifle and person I have met. This is no destiny, it is what stops you from accomplishing your destiny. I have been lying to myself for years, I have been working on my next great big venture, year after year, and all it was doing was to stop me from living, destroying everything that was still standing in my life.
And now I sit here tonight and understand that I have not been living, and living is more important than writing about how to live without actually living it. And now I sit down tonight, filled with that huge amount of energy, and I wonder, what is it that I could do right now that would be living? Drugs, hard drugs, clubbing all night, sex with anyone without worrying about AIDS, let’s just die at the end of it, never coming home again, wherever home is, get lost in nature and don’t even dare to think about it. I am after all in Los Angeles, is it not the place where people come to do just that? To lose their mind forever? In an existence that does not deserve any less?
I need alcohol. I need to be completely off my mind! I’m going to the shop. I’ll be a zombie tomorrow at work, it is just poetic justice.
13 March 2006 Leonardo finally called back on Sunday night. He told me that he could not speak to me the other day because the Kiddo was beside him. In fact, the Kiddo slept at his place for over a week, because he could no longer stay home. He claims there was no sex, though I find that hard to believe, every night almost naked in such a small bed. However, psychologically blocked as Leonardo is, it is still possible that they did not do anything.
Anyway, it does not really matter whether they did or not, it is clear now that nothing else will happen between Leonardo and I, and that I am going back to London very soon. I intend to remain faithful to Stephen, despite my mistakes and whatever it is I thought would happen when I first arrived in L.A.
I was pleased to hear that Leonardo has not abandoned the idea of collaborating on the film script and still intends to get me to me the great sci-fi writer of Hollywood, since we now have the blessing of his other great friend actor who thinks what we are working on is ingenious. God only knows if anything will come out of all this.
He is also reaching the end of working on his music, his doctor has gone wild about finding investors. He is talking about creating a company and everything around the music of Leonardo. So perhaps he is closer to getting rich after all, I sincerely hope so, which such songs, there is no doubt this guy will be really really rich any time soon. Hopefully the doctor’s investors won’t back out, especially that there was no need to create a full company with this, $10,000 investment for Leonardo to go to a studio and get a perfect demo was all that was required. But this is Hollywood, the promised land, where they need to make it sound like this is huge and will reach very far. It is often full of empty promises, and I just hope that this time around it is real.
26 March 2006 - 2 It has been a while since I spoke with Leonardo. Simply because it has been a while since I saw him last. We barely spoke on the phone anymore. This was
Unfortunately, all that is about to change. Something almost unbelievable happened yesterday with his Kiddo, and now, they’re no longer friends. Amazing, considering that Leonardo dropped me like a sock as soon as the Kiddo went back into his life. And now he is coming back, telling me that he was blinded by the beauty of the youngster, and that he will not make that mistake again.
I am also surprised to hear that he saw the Kiddo almost every day, because he says he was calling him something like 30 times a day, night and day, leaving messages after messages. And they call me compulsive and obsessed.
The story is so boring, I don’t even feel like telling it here. And yet, here it is.
They met yesterday, the Kiddo had a lot of drugs, and his little glass pipe, and whatever else. So they smoke together, but then it went wrong at some point.
The Kiddo wanted sex, Leonardo refused (though I think that part of the story is untrue, I think they had sex many times in the last few weeks and months).
Somehow they had an argument, and the kid, driving illegally, dropped Leonardo home, sulking. He came back in the middle of the night, to get back his drugs and pipes. Unfortunately, instead of ringing the bell, he decided to force his way in. First in the garage, where his drug was no longer, and then by the kitchen window. He broke a vase, the roommate heard it, called the police, and now the police came, took fingerprints, they know who did, and that poor kid is again in trouble. And has destroyed, perhaps definitely, his friendship with Leonardo.
That was painful to tell. I have little interest in all this. All I know is that now Leonardo is back into my life, to resume where we let it off. Fortunately he is now working full time on many landscape designs, and hence, he is no longer alone all day at home, waiting for me to come back from work completely exhausted, wanting to see me for 48 hours non stop, or talking on the phone for six hours straight. That was a bit too much for me. And this is what apparently he has been experiencing with the Kiddo, and Leonardo now says that it was too much. I can’t understand why, when he fancied and probably was in love with the Kiddo. Must be difficult now to let go of him, realizing that the Kiddo is a danger to him.
He did it because the 70 year old man was begging for it, and he was afraid that if he rejected him, he would never see him again. And last year, the actor finally understood that Leonardo did not enjoy it, and decided to let go. And right on the spot, they barely saw each other since. So Leonardo feels bad about it.
If that was all! The old man has AIDS, he had it for 20 years. Apparently he got it from sharing needles, as he was a big partygoer in the 60’s and 70’s. He was a well known actor then, he’s been in everything. So the man might actually die before I meet him. Probably from that cancer we have been told he has, but simply from AIDS. And Leonardo had sex with him, though being in the arms of someone with AIDS, and having his dick sucked, most likely did not infect Leonardo. And yet, I am pleased I did not do much with him. Especially that he is telling me now that he is bleeding from the ass, and one of his testicle has been hurting him for years now. I don’t need these gruesome details, they make me want to run away. Everyone is dying for real, that is not what I was expecting to find when I decided to come to Los Angeles.
None of the people I have met in Los Angeles appear to be well balanced people, especially at work. They are all either crazy or filled with psychological problems.
And I just wonder, is it the sun that hits them on the head and turned them all into dysfunctional people? Or somehow, all the neurotic people in America found a way to end up in California?
I am so tired! Even after three days off doing nothing but sleeping and reading a book. I still need anything to bring me to some sort of normality.