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When I know very well that one way or another, it would not change anything to my own life? He’s not about to poor a few millions my way at any rate, so whether he is the most successful person on the planet or not, I can only judge him and decide if I want to be his friend based on who he is and what a friendship with him requires from me. Something I simply cannot give or afford. I have no time, I have no money, I have no interest, get lost, that’s all I can say. I don’t care how rich you become, I know it does not mean in any way that I am rich.
This won’t lure me in. I don’t really care. I still cherish my freedom, the few minutes I have to myself after work, before I have to go back. As simple as that, or else, I just go stir crazy and wish to kill myself. That’s where I am now, so nothing could help or change that. More shit can only push me over the limit. And that’s what it is a friendship with him, more shit, more guilt trip, I don’t need that, whatever the circumstances.
Oh dear, my only friend in Los Angeles, as turn out to be quite a nightmare.
Another good reason for me to get out as quickly as I can. And that should not play in my decisions, I should be able to keep him at bay, make him understand that I need my space and my time. But he’s blind to it all, he freaks out more and more, becoming hysterical, and there’s not much more I can do but cut the 103 bridges, like all his other friends apparently had to do in time, leaving him perplexed as to the why.
His behavior and some reasoning’s have been astonishing to me lately. Like the one of a desperate man willing to sacrifice everything for an ounce of marihuana.
How sad is that? At the dawn of your success? Only once in my life I got myself in a situation where I have lost friends because I wanted them to pay me a pint of beer, when I was at the bottom of my existence living in Central London with no money. It took me only a few nights to understand what I was doing, might have been too late by the time I understood, but still, I understood and I will never ever ask anyone again to buy me a beer when I can’t afford it. Best way to destroys one’s life, in a society incapable of understanding misery and willing to help. I’ll never also make the mistake of asking money to my friends and family, nearly destroyed us all. Better not pay your creditors, that’s all I have to say about it now.
20 May 2006
I have again spent the whole day and the whole night with Leonardo yesterday.
Nothing sexual, don’t worry. I did not want to simply waste my next day, because he will never leave once he is here, I thought it could be done quickly, again, I was mistaken. He was supposed to get here early, like Noon, he arrived here at 6 pm, after letting me wait all day. We went to eat, to the cinema see Da Vinci Code and then came back here to record his music on CDs and make backups for his investors. And then, it took forever for him to finally get out. And again I was too polite to shout at him: all right, it is enough, get out now, know when it is the time to leave. And the worst thing is that he was aware, very much so, and kept repeating that he was sorry that he was eating away all my time, and that he knew I was tired, and thanking me for my patience, and yet he would not leave!
The same reason I missed my planet for Salt Lake City that morning, he was late, and did not want to leave the flat in the end.
And I spent almost $100. I usually would not care for that, but I have to say, he is quite a drain on me and I simply cannot afford it at the moment. I paid for his gas, for the restaurant, the cinema, the coffee afterwards, the alcohol at my place and the cigarettes. I don’t understand why I even mention this, it is not me, and yet, one cannot stop thinking that he is being taken advantage of at some point and has to realize that this cannot continue. I was about to buy him a
And then we talked about how he managed to lose just about every single friend he ever had. First by giving too much of himself, second by expecting too much in return, and eventually not getting back what he gives. And hence, trouble start.
Also that he can really become too much, taking all the place in one’s life, being too needy and demanding, and so dependent on others to achieve anything, like doing a damn CD backup of his music, when he’s got the computer at home to do it, and the instructions, and yet, he is not capable of doing it.
We’re talking here about a man who’s just written up an essay of 25 pages for his best friend, for a university final paper, and got 90%. And yet, he never managed to finish his high school. We’re talking about someone here who knows just about everything about everything, all self taught, and yet has no degree whatsoever and everyone treats him like a low life form. Someone who never had one piano lesson, and yet, has now composed the most elaborate songs I’ve heard, playing many instruments and can even produce the whole thing in the studio. Someone also who’s came up with the greatest theories about the universe, worthy of a genius, but like me limited in the sense that he lacks the proper knowledge to present it in a way acceptable for any science magazine. And at that, you can add a fine mind for science-fiction and a gifted author who can write better than many people I’ve known and read.
So what is this guy? A genius? Or the most flawed and dysfunctional human being on the planet? The only analogy I have to describe him fully, is via an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation. When that engineer is somehow overpowered by aliens and suddenly becomes a genius, to the point that he connects himself to the computer in the holodeck, becomes the computer of the ship, brings the Enterprise somewhere else in the universe and suddenly is condemned to this terrible fate of his, no longer being human.
One thing I know, is that this the kind of person who succeeds, I thought I was weird, marginal, thinking differently and all, he is the jack pot, and hence, will 105 most certainly succeed on a massive scale in probably more than one domain, as he is also an inventor, and from what I can understand, a few of his inventions could make it big and change many things around here. Yet, he seems to be dyslexic to me, annoying even in the way he works, and how slowly as well. And probably would not get anywhere without complete guidance from others, telling him what to do, since he is too lost in his mind to see clearly about his duties and responsibilities, even the ones about how to achieve his goals of succeeding in music and writing. Oh, have I mentioned that he is an accomplished actor? And that he also blew with a series of missed opportunities on the scale you have never seen, preventing him to finally emerge out of the bunch from all the second rate roles he ever got. And if that was not enough, to have succeeded at that, he will now succeed on a huge scale musically, and if that fails, he’s got the book we’re writing to fall back on, as this could also be huge. And without me at the moment, all of this would again be a series of missed opportunities, because I am quite convinced that he could sit forever on a damn demo tape he’s got to give to his investors to get the ball rolling. It has been months, he’s got everything at home to record the damn thing, and all the time in the world to do so, and yet, managed somehow to not do anything about it. I finally had to understand that he already had five of the six songs he wanted to record on CDs recorded in the past in studios. What the heck? Why does he want to record them again, in such poor quality? Oh a word has changed, a few chords here and there. Gosh! I had to tell him to come over here and finally I have put 7 tracks on a CD, and that’s it, he’s got what he needs now to open that great door of his musical success.
Lacking in determination like that is very sad, and being stopped by something as stupid as “I need to do labels for the CDs, it might take me six months”, and it did, so I gave him my pen to write on CDs, and I said: forget the labels, write it down, we might speed of the process then, and it will take one night to achieve this instead of a year.
I have been quite blunt with him recently, about his flaws making him very difficult to just being his friend, without screwing my whole existence in the process. And if we are to continue this friendship once he becomes rich, and want to start this production company with me and my boyfriend that he intends to import here with our zoo, I will have to be even more blunt and write that parameters and limits. Otherwise, the price is just too high to pay, and I don’t care how rich he might become and how this will give me all the freedom in the world, it is just not worth it. So at the moment I am helping him for his own sake 106 only, not mine, as I have no ulterior motives here, I don’t expect anything in return, I would not even accept it.
And the thing is, he knows all about this. And that is why he believes I am so special. Because his experience out there with others who simply in time just took advantage of him, mind you, after he walked in there with open arms to help them out in a capacity which is beyond measure, all his hard work with them has turned nasty. Because no one is like him or me, no one will give back, no one will return friendship on that scale, and everyone is too willing to just take advantage of you and profit from you. An even more disgusting side of humanity which I have not yet fully experienced, while it seems to be the story of his life.
With well defined boundaries, and the usual nightmarish meeting that never ends, while still keeping a distance, I could perhaps work with him, still be his friend, though I don’t really want to, I could somehow make it work. He listens, he learns from what I say, he acts upon it, he is not totally useless as a human being. I went about it the wrong way by no longer answering the phone, and avoiding meeting him for so long. Communication there would have saved me a lot of trouble afterwards, but it led to me explaining to him how he could just walk into my life, take over my life, call every night for hours, come here for days and wreck my hard schedule as a worker in full time employment, pushing me to the limits of friendship and all, etc. And so flawed in everything he tells me, his way of thinking about his friends, constantly talking about proving this and that if it ends in a court case, and talking about suing people for any reason, and defending himself if he gets sued, in what world is he living? I spend hours telling him what he did wrong, how thinking like this is totally wrong and could certainly explain why it gets to that every time, and what else? He thinks I am wisdom reincarnated, and he was certainly in bad needs for any sort of wisdom. When my wisdom is simply common sense, and that hopefully I am not the only one in Los Angeles capable of seeing clearly about all these interactions between our fellow humans? And how to survive without being eaten alive, and how to live without skinning others and rob them from what they have to offer. Should be simple enough, isn’t it?
And this brings me back to what happen to me the very next day I arrived in Los Angeles. I have met that woman in the lobby of the apartment building, who’s got nothing to do and enough money to buy herself friends. We had not talked for 30 minutes, that she was already offering me to start a business with her in 107 France, and then offered me to move into her house in the North of California so I could write all day. Well, I have only thing to say about this, when you might that kind of people, don’t delude yourself, the price will always be too much to pay in the end and it simply cannot work. They will be the most demanding people you have ever met and it will turn ugly, as they will be expected something equally impossible to give back in return. Don’t be fools, if it sounds too good to be true, there’s always a catch, and it will bring you to the brink of destruction. Avoid humans altogether, that’s my advice, none of them can be trusted. Pray that your girlfriend or wife, or boyfriend or husband, is the one person I can spend every single minute of this existence without too much trouble and without it becoming a choir, and then build yourself a nest somewhere and forget the rest of the world. If you are still burning inside to succeed at anything, well, you better managed to get there on your own, never counting on anyone, never trusting anyone, or the pay back time will be so horrendous, it could annihilate all your dreams in the process. And that is what I have learnt in my trip to Los Angeles.
That humanity is rotten to the core. So much for my big message of hope, love and altruism. There’s no hope for humanity.
I’m here tonight watching Doctor Who on television, I’m so excited about it, last time I was that excited about a TV program, was when I first watched Star Trek The Next Generation. And I was not that excited the first time I watched this new series of Doctor Who in London, it is the second time around that I am. A love affair is building. They’re in Cardiff right now, I’ve been there once, nice place, very British despite the Welch signs everywhere, just adds color to it all. Nice castle too. I was thinking about moving there to live the rest of my life, in my deepest hours in London, trying to escape my executioners. Had I found a way to survive there, money wise, and convince Stephen to move there in the first place, I would be living around there now.
He just called, I told him about moving to Wales, as expected he freaked out. I’m living on a cloud he says, I’m dreaming, someone has to be realistic around here.
I would tell Leonardo to come with me to move to Cardiff, and something tells me he would not even think twice about it. The difference is that Stephen has got an asset, his flat, and just like the $20,000 my first boyfriend had, which he did not want to lose, it stops every single idea in its tracks.
When you’ve got something, you don’t want to lose it. When you have nothing, you cannot lose anything, and therefore when the call comes to bring you to Los 108 Angeles, you take the ticket and you move on. No $20,000 down the drain, no flat lost to the banks. No £8,000 lost in solicitors, bank management and other bullshit like a few months wasted negotiating, all that is involved in selling an apartment and buying another one. Welcome to my world of bureaucracy.