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Another good reason to never leave your home, to lock yourself in forever, and be happy what you already got. You will never find freedom, but at least you have assets, chaining you to this miserable existence you have made for yourself.
Sebastian did not want to follow me in Europe, he did in the end, ad I guess he was right, he came back with $20,000 less in his pockets, even though not a penny has been spent on me, I somehow sustained myself despite having nothing. So I guess Stephen may also be right, I am inviting problems, troubles, crisis, and the likes.
Why? I can’t stay in one place, I have nothing except perhaps love once in a while, to stop me in my projects, my dreams of achieving something with this life, to see the world and go for the adventure, away from the routine which in the last decade nearly killed me. I’m sorry, perhaps I should be alone in this world, or find someone like me. And I don’t think this is Leonardo.
Nice to be able to chuck a $60,000 a year job, without thinking too much about it, whenever I can’t stand the people I’m working with, even though I know I might never get a higher salary again in my lifetime. Well, I was paid more in one of my previous jobs, to actually, then again in London it is quite relative, the standard of living is still very low, but from what I’ve seen from L.A., I would not say that people here have it better. This world has gone mad, we’re struggling whatever the country we are in. Governments are blind to the statistics, it is still not that apparent, but one day it will become much clearer, and perhaps the governments are simply powerless. Maybe they have lost control of the affairs of their citizens, since they continue to give tax breaks to huge corporations, and the opposite with the rest of the population. Not giving much in return, that’s for sure. One wonders where all this money goes, a quick look at the budget would certainly make me sick, so I guess I’ll pass on that one.
Too big a dose of reality today, I need to escape. I would need a good book, lose myself in it, but it would cost money, it would show on my bank statement, could put me in dire straight with my creditors. I’m too tired anyway to find a good book to read over the Internet. I have over 5,000 books in my library on my
23 May 2006 I just had the weirdest vivid dream. A mismatched of just about everything. Time travel, parallel worlds, world of the dead and demons and possibly aliens. I don’t even know where to begin.
First I was in a house where the parents of Stephen were also living. We appeared to be living together at first, and I had a special computer capable somehow of opening a window as large as a door. And we got to meet the parents of Stephen, but from the year 1905. Since we are in 2006 right, it looks like this was a 100 year leap into the past. They could come in, we could in, and they did, and we did. Actually, they did not look like his parents, more like his grand parents, well in fact I’m not sure who they were. They were still alive today, and 100 years ago they were slimmer, better looking, but already in their 20’s I would say, even if they looked older than what they must have been. We were talking, and they talked with themselves in the future, as if it was normal, an exchange of knowledge, I don’t know, we did not have much to say.
There was also a park with trees, and there I was meeting some other weird people, but I can’t remember now who they were, now I think they might have been aliens. They asking about an anomaly they had identified, the man from 1905 walking on the grass before. I told them that yes, there was something about him, that he was from a parallel universe. I only discovered later that he was actually from the past, before then I assumed he was from a parallel universe. And this is all I can remember about these other people who could have been from a parallel universe also, but more clued up.
Then my room got larger, by the minute I thought it was fusing with other rooms from another world, or was it just that by changing the past the room was now changing and getting bigger, as we got richer? I think it was the fusing of other rooms from other worlds because there were other people there now living with us, sharing the space, and we accepted that, this new reality. These people reminded me of my family from the side of my father, that’s how I perceived them, family of some sort.
And as usual when I dream about my family, my grand mother is always there in the background, she talks even in answer to what other people say, no one answer back, because she is dead in real life and I’m the only one who sees her.
And then she was in the kitchen with us, I was saying that she was there, how could they miss her, when she had been present to all our gathering for so many years, despite no longer be in this world? And I grabbed her, I took her in my arms, and I cried. Up until then, my grand mother had been, it seems, unaware that I could see her and have been able to see her for the whole time our gathering lasted. She seemed surprise when I took her in my arms.
After that we were in the living room or a bedroom, and on the bed was my grand mother, placed as if she was dead, for people to come and pay their respects. I was talking with my aunt Sonia, she was saying that she too was receiving the visit of my grand mother in the morning, it had happened many times before and she was also afraid of all this. She told me she had a few books about it that she intended to read, but had not yet found the time. I was in such a shock, that I grabbed the hand of my grand mother who was in the bed, she came alive, and I was crying like crazy, taking her in my arms again.
And my aunt acted as if she was there, but could not see her. I asked her, do you see her? She was trying to tell me something, and then my real grand mother appeared in the background with a Kodak, as if she intended to take photos, and the one on the bed, her nose got very long and thin, and bent downward. And it did not seem to click in my mind until I woke up that it was not her on the bed.
This is all I could repeat to myself, that it was not her. I had been tricked, it was a demon or something. And my real grand mother appeared in the background to tell me, to show me that I was crying at the wrong tree. I was in such a state by then, I could not even speak anymore, everything I was trying to say just would come out. Then I woke up, frightened, that my grand mother would actually be standing there in front of me in the real world.
I had some conversations with her, but of course always very limited, and instead of it being about where she is now, what sort of life has she got in the realm of the dead, it is more about stupidities about my life, as if she could not speak of important stuff, things that could remind me in my dream that she is in fact dead, and talking to her should by definition be an impossibility. She seems to be trying to reach out for me, though I did not get the feeling she had anything to tell me specifically, more like she wants to spend some time with me. Unless I’m just not ready yet to get to the point of being confronted with her, fully aware that she is dead, and capable of having a normal conversation despite the fact that she is dead. So perhaps it will come, if I let it come. But after tonight it will be more difficult, if she can be replaced by some sort of fake one, pretending to be her, and who’s up to no good.
There were many signs that it was not her, she was dresses in yellow, my grand mother never did. She was calling to me, wanting me to take her hand, my grand mother never did either in all my previous dreams. And her nose became distorted, like the one of a witch, but believe me, in dreams, it did not seem to stop me at the time from loving her and taking her in my arms. I barely noticed the deformity though it was quite evident and for a second I did wonder about it.
And even when there were two of them, that my real grand mother appeared in the background dressed with her eternal green top, I still ignored her to cry in the arms of the fake one. What about that? Logic or good judgment does not seem to exist in dreams. Very dangerous indeed.
Well, in all this was quite a dream. Opening some sort of doorway first in time, to 1905, then in space as it brought me back home, it brought back everyone together and we were to share that space, then a doorway to a parallel universe, capable of changing the configuration of my rooms, also a doorway to some alien world, not sure where those ones come from, and finally a doorway to the world 112 of the dead, and demons, or should I say, the living dead. If somehow this does not inspire me a film script, I would be surprised. I would love to get my hands on that computer I had which started all that at the beginning of my dream, I wonder how it worked, and it could open these doorways all around the place, until there were no more doorways, these worlds were suddenly fusing together, and we all found ourselves in the same room, people from the past, people from far away, people from parallel worlds strangers to our customs, aliens, dead people and demons. The only one missing was God! Might be dangerous too, I guess, but at the time it seemed okay.
Leonardo called me tonight to tell me that he went to drop the CD to his doctor today. He told him that he had some people interested in having his song in their film, and now Leonardo went in overdrive. He was talking about buying a house for me and Stephen around here so we could continue to work together on our projects, including music. Sounds very tempting, a nice dream, and I played along, hope is important in the accomplishment of our dreams. It would be too good to be true, of course I cannot depend on any of that, it could still be months away and I will be gone by then, having started a new chapter of my life with Stephen in London. Somehow I hope this could become true, that we could be working on projects here in L.A. without worrying about jobs and money. As I was saying before, if it is too good to be true, then it will quickly turn into a nightmare. So we’ll have to see about that. For now, let’s just hope that contract for that one deserving song becomes a reality.
I wrote what was above at 4h30 am, I’m now back from work. I can finally talk a little bit more about what’s happening in Leonardo’s life. Now I know why destiny kept me here so long, long enough to get the Leonardo somewhere and establish a real friendship, one that will not be broken so easily. It is true that he’s in desperate need of guidance, he could easily forget to do anything, could easily walk into any trap laying around. And for some reason, he always seemed prone to meet the people who will take advantage of him. I don’t really want to profit from him, I don’t really believe anything he says he will do once he gets rich, I don’t intend to be around to profit from it when and if it happens. I know the price will be too much to pay, I would only accept if I know that we both benefit 100% from my staying in L.A. whilst he pays my bills, and the one of Stephen as he proposes to do. That is certainly a big jump in friendship, and he is just too eager to offer killer plans like that to all his friends and everyone around him.
Fine if you are filthy rich, these friends are after all his only family, but he lives 113 himself wide open to the worst case scenario, and I try to prevent his endeavor.
Let’s make it happen first, we can talk about anything else after.
That guy did not need me anyway to get where he is heading, and he won’t need me afterwards either, many people have already taken the responsibility to make sure he won’t get screwed up, no doubt smelling the money, and hence, they might be the most dangerous ones. Leonardo has a blind faith in all of them, my God, he is heading for utter destruction. The only positive thing is that all these Jewish people trying hard to make his music happens, are clued up and won’t let him sign any detrimental contract. I just hope they don’t intend to collect millions in the process. Though, if it is the only way to make it happen, and even if they collect their millions and that there are many left, then I guess it would have been all worth it. Hail to the Jewish people and their connections. They are our saviors, well Leonardo’s saviors anyway, as I’m not part of any of it, despite his emphasis that this means our success, not only his.
I have no doubt I will finish that film script myself, no problem, as soon as I have a minute off work, I’ll get right on to it. And Leonardo’s connection can then become my saviors too. I don’t believe that for a second, still, one needs to have hope in a better world, where freedom exists. And I am certainly in deep need of any kind of freedom, even the one of going back to the UK and enjoy a few days off before I either have to start my own business or find a job and make someone else some money.
6 June 2006
The big day has finally arrived for Leonardo, a great offer that should be hard to refuse, if it goes through. I was expecting something to happen, sooner rather than later since it was obvious anyone with any power hearing his music would just instantly think dollar signs, however for Leonardo it has been years of waiting and nothing was suggesting that it would change anytime soon. Perhaps he even connects these recent events to my own energy and enthusiasm, as I have been some sort of hurricane in his life since my arrival. Sort of, in the sense that he has given me so much attention, calling almost everyday up to recently, and talking for hours, that surely just about everything else in his life must have gone to the back burner.
Of course Leonardo has got carried away, talking about hiring my boyfriend as a personal assistant in order to keep me close to him, be it in Los Angeles or Asia.