«Roland Michel Tremblay rm Kiddo Blog in L.A. 2 December 2005 Kiddo blog in L.A. 1 I have now an ...»
31 June 2006 Since I stopped working for that hell conference job, I had plenty of time on my hands. My last few hours were Monday, today is Thursday. I have used these days to decompress from the hell life I had, and naturally, following such a change, depression follows, days of not wanting to do anything, trying to adapt to a new pace. I did not feel like doing anything, least work on that film script now novel that he never stopped working on. I admire his energy, which I simply do
I am finishing reading every single story ever written concerning Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle, so I have already been going in my mind all around London and England. I’m basically already gone, even though I have another 12 days here. And sure enough, if I had considered that each extra day I am spending here costs me $50 in lodging, I would already be gone by now, as staying here to sell my stuff is really not worth it. This studio cost me $700 today, something I could have avoided. I will be lucky to get $300 for the $1000 I spent on all the stuff populating my little apartment.
I thought anyway that I would enjoy those last few days in L.A., but I don’t, I’m afraid to say. No wonder, I don’t get out of this flat. I might as well be in London then. I have dreams to get the car and go somewhere with my baby, like West or East Withering Beach, or simply lost on some roads in Wales, walking in a green field, as we did many times before. I want to forget about this life in Los Angeles.
I’m afraid to say, at the moment, it may change in the future, nothing I have visited around here with Leonardo has any sort of impact on my mind. It does not compare to England. Where being in a field is such an event, and even then, it is nothing compared to when I was lost somewhere on the country side in France.
So I guess there’s no cure for me. And I guess that eventually I will end up living in France. So I need to ask for my British Citizenship as soon as I return, this is my only priority, so I can eventually live anywhere in France as an European citizen, which at the moment I can’t, I can only legally live and work in England, which is already a miracle, I have to say.
On Sunday Leonardo is coming here early. I guess he will sleep over, maybe not.
I would prefer not, considering that I am going back to my baby. It is too late now to sleep together. Even thought I need to know more about any possible future with him, because if it fails miserably with my baby in London, there’s only one place I will go. Back to wherever Leonardo is. Once my relationship is over, I believe that I will start one with Leonardo. However, I’m going back to London to hope for a long relationship with my actual boyfriend. So everything is in the air.
This must be a long term thingy with Leonardo, he will have to be patient, and might have the time to meet someone else, and if this is so, so be it. I’m already in love, and eager to resume that relationship for a good while. Hoping that 121 nothing has changed since my departure, that in fact, my little trip to America just reinforced that long relationship. Now we know we love each other, when before, we barely could stand each other and were wondering where this relationship was going. I cannot deny it, the last book I wrote in French is full of it, of my doubts, my desires to terminate this love affair. I could barely read it here in L.A. and understand what I was talking about, since I miss him so much!
And for the last five months I have been completely faithful to him, once I understood that I wanted to go back and sign a new bail of at least 10 years. I cannot even explain to myself why I haven’t try to have sex, since it was such a golden opportunity, whilst I was in two minds about everything. I can at least tap myself on the back, that once I realized the love I have for him, and that I would return, then I became completely faithful again. And don’t even feel bad about it.
I’m so tired of Leonardo in fact, that I thought that resigning from my job, was like getting rid of him at the same time. It has not been the case. He wants to work on that project of ours, when I simply don’t feel like it. And tomorrow I have to work on that all day, and I simply don’t feel like it. What am I gonna do? Will I find the energy and motivation somewhere? Whilst all my papers are on the floor, being carefully classified between what needs to be thrown away, what needs to come back with me, and what can be posted to me, whilst it will take four to six months to reach me in England, if ever it reaches me?
I could say a lot about post, how expensive it is to send anything by plane, and how useless it is to send it by boat. If I were to describe here my short experience about it, people would never believe that I am living in the years
2000. They would think I was talking about a state of affair at the time of Sherlock Holmes, at the turn of the 1900’s. I think it will cost me $400 to ship my things fast to England, and I don’t care to pay it, these thing need to reach me, and by boat, somehow, it always gets lost and no one is accountable for it.
The truth is, I’ll be happy to get rid of Leonardo once I o back to England.
Somehow I will have to make him understand that I cannot spend hours writing him emails every night. And I’m just not sure how I will be able to achieve that, since he is easy to freak out when I don’t answer the phone two days in a row. I don’t need that in my life right now. I don’t need to work on a film script which won’t go anywhere, whilst I need to start up a conference business on my own, without any funds. Try that for a laugh, and come back and tell me how easy it is.
I want to forget everything. I want to erase that period of my life. I’m searching in my memory, for anything positive, and it is useless. Even my trips to San Francisco, Salt Lake City and Philadelphia can’t help here. It seems I can only be happy in London with my baby. And it took me too long already to understand it.
At least I have a direction, something to go after, it is not that desperate that I would now wish to end my life. And I have to say, if I didn’t have that to fall back on, suicide right now would be the only thing on my mind. I almost did it whilst living here, when I could not see any way out any time soon. Gosh, I almost did it. Never been so close in my life. I can barely believe it, how low I sank here. It is a totally different story now, that I know I will be back to England with my baby, my family of animals, our zoo. I feel anything creative can from there, from now on. I wish I was at an age where I could simply retire, I wish I had enough money to retire now. That’s what I wish. Because if I have to be part of the corporate world any time soon, I’m tellin’ ya, I will definitely end my life. I won’t think twice about it, this needs to end. It makes me so unhappy, it depresses me so much, there’s just no point in living at all. If I am only going back to the UK, to suffer another job from hell, I’m telling you, this is the end of my life. I will not suffer it, I won’t repeat that endless pattern, I will no longer be stuck in that time loop. As simple as that, I don’t have the energy to continue in this world. I have no desire or motivation to continue in this world. I’m so serious about this, I feel I need to consider right now the ways I could end my life. And somehow I so know it will be the case, I might as well seriously consider it right now.
First rule, I will never have a boss again. Second rule, I will never work in an office again in any sort of hierarchy if I am not at the very top. Third rule, I will never suffer people I don’t want to suffer, I should be able to make them disappear from my life instantly, or else, life is not worth living. Let’s see if I can live by those three rules from now on.
123 Have you ever felt like you were at a turn in your life where you could decide for yourself exactly what you wanted, and make sure it would happen? I feel like that right now. This life will be what I want it to be, not what anyone else wants it to be. I’m gonna take control over it! And if I want to go for a breakfast on Richmond Hill, any day of the week, I will finally be free to do so without any sort of consequence. If I want to take a day off, I sure will, any day, any time. There is way to have a job in this world, without being a complete prisoner having to do his time every single day of the week. And the rest of the time, just getting ready to go back and suffer more in that prison. That’s no longer me. I’ll work from home if need be, or just three days a week. Five is too much, it takes over my life, and there is no life to speak of anymore. Maybe I was not meant to be alive… and if it is so, I need to correct that mistake. Enough is enough. I won’t go back to that, I won’t, I won’t. I will kill myself first. I will.
2 July 2006
I have put all my stuff on sale on a website. A moving sale where I would only recuperate a few dollars out of the $2000 I spent. Gave me an idea. I think upon my return to England, I will invest my money into useless stuff from people who need to move to America for some weird reason, and then I will sell it for more on auction websites. When I was desperate and had to sell my things two years ago, just to survive, I made £1,000 a month for a few months. Granted it was nearly Christmas, but I think it could really help in the immediate while I plan my conference company.
A fraudster tried to buy my DVD Recorder without paying for it. I can’t believe it.
I almost fell for it, as I am so clueless about payment methods in the US. His email about US Postal Money Order did not seem legitimate, a quick search over the Internet told me I was right. Almost lost $500 right there. He was also willing to give me $55 more than what I was asking for. When it is too good to be true, it’s a scam.
4 July 2006
Today has been my greatest day in Los Angeles. Funny it should come exactly one week before my departure. And I have no doubt this day would have been ruined if I had known that the next day I would have had to go back to work. We went to Santa Barbara a second time. The first time was not that great, I have to
Well, this has turned into a philosophical trip to Santa Barbara, where I could observe two good specimen of two more screwed up human beings. The most interesting one was no doubt Tania, but before I get to that, I’ll analyze the case of Joseph.
For eight months I heard everything about that young chap of 23 years old via Leonardo. It was quite something to finally meet him. First he was quite shy, he could not look me in the eye, however he is half blind, so nothing extraordinary there. I was kind of hoping he was gay, but then a girl he had not call for the last month called him on his mobile, and he was so desperate to meet her this weekend for an obvious sex session, that he did not even hide, that I guess there’s just no hope for him.
The thing is, that guy is filled with psychological problems, and it is obvious. He blames all the terrible things that happened to him in his childhood, though he would not elaborate. Only saying that he suffered from verbal abuse from his mom. And that his dad was involved in the mafia and was a hit man. How nice must it be to have a murderer as a dad. Poverty, he says, was his childhood. He denies being sexually abused, so I guess we might believe him on that one. Yet, the kid is much more of an anarchist in the term that I define it, than I could ever be.
He is filled with an exhaustible anger, and could explode at any time. That explosion would, for him, mean taking a gun and shooting a few people. What a waste, when you could actually work on a much larger scale, to help society to understand that its progeny is simply completely and irreversibly alienated to breaking point.
He used to be very fat, and has been so obsessed with it, that he started to read everything there was on the subject. It led to further university studies in dietetics and now he is the real thing, a real dietetic sort of person, a nutritionist, or whatever that means. He is still a bit fat and is struggling to lose that weight so he can, I suppose, still attract nice girls he can fuck on weekends.
He stated that philosophy is causing big depressions in people, that whenever you meet a philosopher as he claimed to have been, it basically drives you to suicide.
I could not deny that, as it is certainly my own situation. Thought I would hate to generalize, Leonardo is after all a philosopher, with the greatest feeling of optimism and happiness. Perhaps he is a mistake of nature, or at the very least an exception.
Overall the kid is charming, I would not mind sucking his dick. And for most of our trip from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara, he had a big hard on in the car, and was trying to hide it with his hand. How nice is that? Perhaps he should masturbate a bit more, twice a day like I do, to forgo such little inconveniences and embarrassments.