«Roland Michel Tremblay rm Kiddo Blog in L.A. 2 December 2005 Kiddo blog in L.A. 1 I have now an ...»
And on this note, I will go to bed, just in case Norton comes over tomorrow. I doubt it, even if I would love to. However this is more like a love story, and I admit that love does not require sex at the beginning. Only preliminaries that can last weeks. It is like an investment for the future. I am not that desperate for sex 7 anyway, the thought that he exists, that he cares for me, that he calls without fault every day, is ample for me, for the moment.
Oh, before I turn the computer off. One thing he has said that could definitely be a lie. Especially that it even contradicts things he said before, according to my blog. He has met two persons in the recent months before but he claims they did not have sex, as there was no connection. He apparently did not have sex for more than a year, perhaps more. It would be too good to be true, but highly improbable, since he claims he loves sex anytime anywhere, and certainly talks about it a lot on the phone.
Something interesting though, if he really met two guys and decided to not go any further with them, maybe he is afraid of meeting me for some reason. I have not lied to him, I showed him my recent photos. Now, perhaps he is also afraid that I might reject him, and the two other guys perhaps rejected him. I don’t believe so, but his photo is at least three years old, it predates his serious accident. Could he have changed? He says he still looks the same, that he is still slim. I’m not worried anyway, but he could be holding back meeting me until he is sure I am hooked by his personality and charm, as far as I can find out from our phone conversations, that is.
We’ll soon find out, or would we?
6 December 2005 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 3 I called Norton tonight, I asked him if it was a good time. He said no, and that at least he was honest. I asked him if I should call back later or tomorrow, and he said tomorrow. I wonder now if he realizes the impact of that sentence.
In my mind, now he finds me an annoyance. I call too much, he needs his breathing space. We have not even met yet! That is what is the killer, of all stories.
A second ago I thought he would feel guilty and call me back later. I thought he had become addicted to our daily phone calls. But now I think he won’t, because he knows our phone calls last forever.
There are no longer only two persons in this equation, but three. Breaking up a relationship of ten years is hard, but this is something I have been practicing in my mind in the last few days. I was prepared to announce to him the news that I had met someone else, sweet, lost, alone. And that we had developed the most wonderful relationship. That I was sorry, but that was life.
Useless to say that I don’t feel like that anymore, since I was blatantly rejected by Norton tonight. I suddenly remember the lie I told Stephen in my email tonight, that I would be so happy if he were to come to Los Angeles with our two baby cats. And now I feel I was right to lie. This relationship is solid, I want him to come over here, I want to continue this relationship.
Anything else is just a whim, uncertain circumstances. This is what will have to work around and with, in parallel, my real relationship of ten years, in secret if necessary. No need to sacrifice anything just yet.
It turns out that Norton did not have any other brothers and sisters. He actually did not blocked when I assumed he did. Understanding of family means that his sister lives with him and they never discussed the fact that he was gay. Though he is gay and it is obvious, because he has photos of naked men in his room, but they have actually never talked about it.
So it means that I need to understand that I will need to be discreet with his sister. Also, the friends part, was about two gay dying friends with Aids that he needs to visit on a regular basis. All that stuff is shameful enough, or simply not easy to say upfront, no wonder it took him days to say so, weeks now.
Oh Norton! What are doing to me? I feel so alone, I need comforting, and you reject me just like that? I’m suffering! I have already drunk five beers, and I now have a glass of Rosé from California. I don’t need much at the moment to be thrown out of this new reality. Getting back to reassessing what the fuck I am 9 doing in the South-West of America, never mind that it is called Los Angeles or Hollywood. I’m lost and alone!
I now feel like calling my baby in London. Tell him I’m coming back by the next flight, since he appears incapable of getting a fucking transcript of his studies.
Ridiculous in this day and age to take months to get that sort of thing, when you can buy a convincing fake diploma overnight from any website. Bastards, they are destroying the very institutions they worked so hard to build in the first place, with this bureaucracy.
Norton’s annoying me now. All the very small details about his personality are now surfacing. I don’t like the fact that he does not like to have his toes or his ass licked. Just that! And that he is very grunge with his holes in his trousers without wearing underwear, so every other straight guy can look at his dick and judge him. I don’t like the idea that he has two earrings and try to convince everyone that he is an interesting chap, looking like Popeye on his photo which is three years old at least. Has he got something to prove to all these actors he has been working with? That he is better than they are? By leading a life trying to convince everyone that he is different and interesting?
It is useless, I love him already for all that and more. He has me under his spell. I would be ready to sacrifice everything at the first demand on his part. I should be ashamed of myself, but is this not called love? And is it not normal to sacrifice everything for love? Even for someone you have never met?
Just when I thought that my life had reached a new low. Who could have predicted that? No one, except God! If that bugger actually exists. I call it destiny, which makes me as superstitious as any of those Mexicans or Salvadorians I meet. Am I not in control of that damn destiny? Controlling all the details of it despite everything that seem to fall into place as it should, out of my control? Damn!
I’m not in control, or am I ultimately? Is it possible that my subconscious knows more about what is to come, and makes sure everything around me falls into place, while I’m trying to convince myself I have free will in this world? No I don’t! And a few déjà vu I recently experienced proves it. Even though it was so vague! I still see through it all.
I got what I want, that’s for sure, but is it enough? Am I still free? God knows. I don’t feel like it at the moment. Everything’s too perfect, even if life throws a few problems and dilemmas along the way. I see through it, and I would not want it to be less perfect. It would only mean more troubles, more obstacles to overcome, and ultimately I could give up.
I guess I’ll just have to live through all of this, and understand later what it was all about, when I read this blog again. Thanks! Have you thought of my happiness in all that crap? Should I not be happy? Do something about it then! Make me happy, make it simple, make me appreciate life for the simple pleasures we have down here. Make me happy to live! Being in Los Angeles is obviously not enough.
7 December 2005 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 4 It is lunch time. I fear I might lose Norton. He said he was quite direct and when he is not interested he says so right away. Well, yesterday was a bit of that. And today he is online on that dating website. Not sure what he is doing there, he is not reading my blog or visiting my page, as far as I can tell.
I thought of not calling him tonight, to see if he will. I don’t want to play mind games and I don’t want to lose him. We have not met yet, so he could still decide to walk away. So I will call him and see what happens.
He says he never lies, and yet, that he did not have sex in a year, being on a dating website like that, should have sent me the alarm bell. I would not want to jump to conclusions too quickly, it is just that I am very insecure. Perhaps also I should not dream to start a new relationship on a website like that. Maybe it is just a crazy idea. I am faithful to him right now, I still think he is, but I think he also has an addiction to porn on that dating website, and this could also just be normal.
I need to go back to work. Oh Norton! What are you doing to me! I hope we will meet this weekend, otherwise I think I will just forget about him and try my luck elsewhere.
It is 6h27 pm, and Norton is still online!!! It makes no sense! Is he at work or at home? Has he been home all day? He sometimes does not work on week days.
He did say he could only use the computer when his sister was not there, she works full time but arrives home early. Being online all day means that he opened his profile and left it on. I hope. Otherwise, he is more addicted to porn than I thought, or he is actively looking for sex with cuties around where he lives. 17 miles separate us after all, in public transport that is a big de-motivation.
Following what happened today, I decided not to call him tonight. My first idea was that perhaps I was there in his life too much. He needs some breathing space. And then I kind of reaffirmed my independence. I don’t need him and I can survive without him. I’m already in the process of flushing him out of my life and system. So I won’t call him tonight, I will study for my driving exam on Friday instead. Hopefully he will call, otherwise, I guess it is over. And I will need to live with it. Sooner is better than later, as would say Mila Jovovich in Joan of Arc. It’s over! As would say Morrissey. Sad I never even met the guy! Better be over now than in a few weeks time. As I would say, since no one said that as a memorable expression, to my knowledge.
In a way, I would feel a bit more liberated. I owe nothing to this guy, why should I be faithful when I could meet anyone else in town? It is quite tempting. Short of catching bugs… and not have someone to call every day to reassure me in my crisis… there are definite advantages to have Norton on my side. He seems to have a very nice and unusual personality. He says he feels the same about me, and that he is interested in a relationship with me even though I’m not one of the cuties without a brain. Let’s give him until the weekend to make a move.
It is now 10h26 pm. Norton has not called. I dare not go and see if he is online on that dating website. I just checked, he is no longer online. Either he has met someone or his sister came back and he finally turned off the computer, whether
God, I had the time to finish reading the Californian Driver’s Handbook tonight, I thought I would never get the chance since we were spending so much time on the phone. I guess it is reasonable for his to still want a life. I am now going to read the online tutorial of the driving test… oh someone please shoot me!
It is the third time, yes you have heard, the third time I had to pass my driving license! Once in Canada, once in England and now in California. Can’t the U.N.
come up with a standard international test for all countries and states? At the very least I should not have to do the behind the wheel test! I have been driving for 17 years!
I have noted that one third of the Californian Driving Manual is about Drink and Driving and the consequences and punishments. Way to go, paranoid state! And if you are under 21, beware, they don’t want you to drive and they will severely punish you for any infraction. On top of it, you can have to wait another year before having your driving license, or lose it at any time, for infraction not related to driving or the road.
Who’s in charge of these rules and regulations? We should pass them all, one by one, to a general population vote. I would only be prepared to accept this madness if I was certain that more than 50% of the population supports it.
However, I would not be surprised to find out that most Californians would support even harsher rules and regulations, if it was possible. Because people have gone crazy. As simple as that, no other explanation.
It is now 11h39 pm. One look at the photo of my little Norton, and I bitterly regret not having called him tonight. It is now too late to call. He is worth it, I will him tomorrow. And now I am debating whether I should send him a text message. I think I will. Well, I can’t, my mobile is still set for the UK for the text messages. That settles it.
Let’s just hope that tomorrow he will be willing to speak. If not, then the message could not be any clearer. And I will get it. And then, he can spend as much time as he wants on the dating website, I’m sure with a bit of luck it won’t be another year before he meets someone up to his standards. I just wish then that these
8 December 2005 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 5 After all my adventures with my phones, I came back home, called my baby, he was not in the mood to talk. He was awaiting a call from some colleague and could barely speak to me. Four miles I did for him tonight, to hear his voice!
Almost destroy everything in my flat for him and he could not speak to me! I was in quite a mood. Thankfully I did not let him see this side of me.
But everything I said was bitter, negative, on the edge. You should have heard my speech about the turn of the new century, and any significance it could have had, when Jesus-Christ could be just a figment of the imagination of some twisted people, and that his date of birth has been established as, at the very least, 24 years after the year zero. God, I could have gone all night about that crap! But I stopped myself, too late I’m afraid.
What do I care about Jesus-Christ anyway!? What meaning does this has on my wasted life in Hollywood? And my conference? Nothing! I don’t see him coming to help me any time soon, neither his father… All right. I will calm down. This has been a weird day after all. And everything still works, apart from my phone. It’s going back tomorrow… 10 December 2005 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 6 The one sentence in the song Nothing’s Impossible from Depeche Mode that was
not applicable to me is:
I still believe in love at first sight Nothing's impossible