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Now at least I see what Leonardo sees in him. Sad when your dreamt fuck bodies are actually straight, but that’s just a detail, considering what Leonardo admitted to me last week. That he can simulate sex in his mind with anyone, and feel that it is so real, that it’s just like the real thing. I wonder how many times he fancied this happening with Joseph, a thousand times perhaps. The problem is that whenever Leonardo goes on to simulate sex with anyone in his own mind, on such a scale that in his mind it seems real, it really does really have an impact psychologically on the other victim. I know, because whenever Leonardo had such fancy about me, I knew it, I could feel it, I received clear images in my head of whatever he was thinking about. I cannot explain this phenomenon, but it is certainly worth investigating. With his powers, for him to think of someone when it masturbates, almost equals to a rape. It is quite an interesting little moral dilemma. He said that whenever he masturbates thinking about his kiddo, the kiddo calls him, even after months of silence. So it is certainly powerful. A powerful weapon. Apparently I could learn the trick, since Leonardo taught it to his kiddo and his other friend, which both use in some sort of devilish plan to control the planet. Fortunately I believe they both failed miserably as they lack the abilities of Leonardo in such matters. Not even sure if I could trust myself if I 126 had such powers.
But at a level much higher in the case of Leonardo, with what he calls his powers of psychic medium. Frightening. Worth investigating, and I will certainly plague him with questions tomorrow or Friday when we meet again, for perhaps the last time before my departure to London.
Many times now in the last few months Leonardo has tried to sleep him, and every time I prevented it from happening, not sure why. He wanted to sleep here again on my last day next week, before he has to drive me to the Airport LAX at six in the morning. I said no. I’m still wondering if it is because he wants sex with me, I think I’m just afraid it will again turn to nightmare. I still remember him saying that he did not want my dick on him, that it was turning him off. I can’t imagine that it would have changed now, even if in between he virtually proposed marriage to me. Something must have changed in his brain, however better leave it to his own imagination. I don’t need any more traumatic event just before finding myself once again in the arms of my real boyfriend, who just love to have my dick all over him. Or so I hope anyway, I’ve been wondering if it is just companionship that he is after, the fear of finishing his days alone with only a zoo to content him. I’ve been saving myself for Stephen, being faithful and all, but he better make it worthwhile upon my return, I want sex at least twice a week, or else I’ll be looking on the side. Sorry, I could have sex three times a day, I’m a real animal though I despise those animal instincts. So I better be satisfied in that domain, or else it is not worth having a boyfriend.
And now let’s talk about Leonardo’s landlady, Tania. I have to admit, it has been a traumatic experience. It really reached me deep down in my deepest fear. I cannot describe it any other way, what she’s going through, is my biggest fear ever. And it can simply be described as being stuck in a time loop. And yet, I can’t imagine anything worse.
Her deep psychological problem has been identified as a compulsive disorder.
Sounds almost harmless stated like that, but my God, I’m telling you, death would be by far preferable.
I think I started her big compulsive disorder for the day. I tried to read what was written on the T-Shirt of Joseph, and I have to say, it was not easy to remember.
He is part of an association called, and I had to painfully memorize it today, The
And since the kid is prone to anger and violence, his patience was really running thin. I thought that if she had asked it one more time at the end of the day, he would have hit her to death. The clashing of both these personalities was such a lesson to me, I loved it to the extreme. I can only say that Leonardo is a saint, to be able to suffer that all day, not sure if I could, perhaps I could, but what a life that would be.
It was a very traumatic experience, because I fear it could easily happen to me.
The frontier between sanity and insanity is so thin, especially when you have some experience of the problem, that it is always possible that you could easily yourself reach that state of mind.
The fact is, whenever I have a big fever or whenever I work all day at one single task, trying to solve a problem or finish a long task, what happen to me during my sleep, is that I repeat over and over the same task, trying to finally accomplish it in my sleep, and my brain is simply stuck in a time loop. Thankfully I wake up the next day tired, but normal once again, and I can move on.
However, god forbid, it could become a permanent problem remaining even in my awake state, just like with Tania. Repeating over and over again in my mind the same sentence that my brain would be trying to process, unsuccessfully. Or trying to continually finish a task that simply will never be concretely accomplished since it is merely virtual in my mind.
Computers, when they reach that cyclic error, have the advantage to be turned off and re-initiated, and then the time loop problem is resolved. In her case, no such thing is possible. The death of her young son brought her to the brink of madness, and she simply cannot get over it.
I cannot explain why Leonardo has not been more specific about her deep psychological blockage except saying that she was suffering from a compulsive disorder, which meant nothing in my mind. That is more that just a compulsive 128 disorder, this is extreme and absolute insanity. No wonder he has been unable to work at all whenever she was awake. She can go on and on asking the same question over and over again until the end of times. This woman should not be driving a car, and her eight car accidents in the last two months alone can testify to it. And yet, she is as free as a bird. Rich no doubt, and yet, completely incapacitated. She’s off her mind, and she’s a reminder of how easy it would be to reach that state. Very traumatizing indeed. This is exactly where, I fear, a boring routine can bring you. To repeated cyclic days not worth living for. That is why I have been fighting so strongly against any sort of routine, this is why I knew it would kill me. It would simply lock me up in a time loop from which there is no escape.
At one point, at the beginning of the day, when I noticed she was constantly speaking to herself, repeating the same thing over and over again, and before I understood she was suffering from a compulsive disorder, I asked her what she was doing. She answered innocently that she was counting her finances.
Harmless enough I thought, my God, I had no idea. She was then stuck on calculating over and over again the state of her finances, and I’m not even sure it what she was stuck on was reflecting her actual finances her some problem of the past which should have long been sent to the back of her brain, never to be remembered again.
My deepest fear is that if somehow after death our consciousness were to somehow survive, it could easily be in that kind of state. Of being stuck on a cyclic error of some desperate and meaningless detail of our lives, that we would turn and turn over and again in our minds until infinity. And ghost stories certainly proves that point. Some apparitions as just that, a murder or terrible sadness being repeated and witness by others, to infinity, years after years.
Better die with all unfinished business actually being finished, or else, god knows, you might be condemned for eternity to turn these problems in your consciousness over and over again, with no possibility of any satisfying conclusion or finality to it.
I’m afraid, the brain is far from being perfect. Just like the processor of a computer, it can be derailed and become useless. And I’m hoping that death, at least, can finally turn the machine off and bring some peace of mind.
There is one last person I need to meet before I leave. The other best friend of Leonardo. I’m just afraid at the prospect. That one I know is a born sucker, who steals anything from his friends. A spoiled kid from a rich family, though I know that at least he has got something normal about him, he is gay. So for that alone I would not mind meeting him, I just hope he will not also throw me into full existential crisis mode, as I know he is also plagued with every single neurosis identified so far. Is there any sane American left on this planet? I’m starting to wonder… as it is evident now that I have not met any sane person since I have arrived in Los Angeles. They’re all crazy, isn’t that delightful? I wonder…
8 July 2006
I really feel the end now. I find it hard to believe that I will be back in London for good in less than three days, as if nothing happened. That is what worries me.
Would have I changed my mind once I am there? Would I suddenly find Stephen the most annoying person on the planet? Maybe it will be he who would have found the time to forget me.
Sometimes I feel like all my problems will be over as soon as I set foot in London again. That I will be able to forget the last few months. Funny, I never thought that being almost nine months in Los Angeles would be an experience I would gladly forget. I cannot explain why I feel like this, I guess I have not been happy here, I also think I haven’t done what I should have done, and that brings me regrets, and I fear I will suffer this miss opportunity forever.
I have been quite unsuccessful at selling my stuff, and I don’t care. I still need to pack, I wonder if I will be able to bring most of my things. I’m worried about money upon my return, Stephen still does not have a job and his creditors are threatening him with death. It is really time for me to go back and sort him out.
Help him find a job over the Internet, make money buying and selling stuff on eBay. Then start that business without any money in order to get both of us
Yesterday I spent the day and night with Leonardo, we spoke about many things, especially the film scripts. We got a contract in order and even went to a notary to get it official. I will at least leave Los Angeles with some sort of contract, even if I doubt it will ever go anywhere.
We also went to meet the great XXX, I can say that I have seen him on his doorstep, but he refused us entry on the pretext he was sick. The same pretext his other great friend actor used to refuse seeing me for the last nine months. So even meeting powerful people has failed. I’m not sorry, I have learnt that I do not wish to meet anyone, especially anyone famous.
And yet, if I missed XXX, it was because the little friends of Leonardo wanted to meet me. I had not seen Mario yet, met him yesterday. Questionable in nature, good looking guy at any rate, I think he went through my bag whilst we were outside and checked if there was anything to steal. Leonardo told me that he stole many of his things and of his other friend Joseph. I think there was not much in my bag to steal, so I was lucky. And yet, he is the son of a rich family, rolls in a Mercedes and just gave a portable computer to Leonardo. So don’t ask me what his problem is.
Shame I had not met Mario before end, he seemed interested in me, as Leonardo believes he is gay. However it would have been quite impossible to be his friend, as in that circle I belong to Leonardo. Even if I don’t really belong to him. He left at 8 am this morning and I am pleased to say that nothing happened. I was faithful to Stephen.
I feel deep love for my Stephen, and being separated for so long made me realize it. I think I’m finally ready to write cheap little love songs after all, something that has always puzzled me, as I was never really in love before. Well, not quite true, and yet, never felt like writing anything about love. More like destruction once it was no longer going as planned. My poor baby has suffered long enough, I 131 will never be separated from him ever again. I long for going all over London again with him. He’s so cute, perfect for me. I just hope he has not aged ten years since I was gone.
We were discussing yesterday how my English sounded British or not. Since I’ve learnt it there, it would be logical that it would sound British. The friends of Leonardo settled on the idea that some words I use, some expressions are British in nature, otherwise I sound more like a French man speaking English. And yet at two in the morning we were at a Seven Eleven, trying to buy alcohol after the time they were allowed to. I said only two sentences: “Do you still sell alcohol at this time? Look, my clock says that it is only 1h58”. And that was enough for the guy from Glasgow besides me to instantly recognize that I was British. He was saying that I was his brother, and somehow this filled me with pride. I know this is ridiculous, and yet, it means a lot to me. I think I would do anything to be recognized as British instead of French-Canadian. I have been quite unsuccessful at this in the last few months, so I guess that another ten years in England should cure me of that.
9 July 2006
I guess Los Angeles really deserves its reputation for being a place filled with crooks. Two guys just left my apartment with my TV and DVD Recorder and gave me $480 of fake money. Just called the police and I am awaiting their arrival. It leaves such a bad taste in my mouth, as some sort of last thank you/fuck you gift before I leave.