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Mmmh, makes me dream, I could write the wildest lyrics for the most perfect people, they would never suspect where I am going with this, with the only intention to cover them with ridicule, and yet, it could turn out to be the best songs ever, classics. I’m that close to get Leonardo to do exactly that, sing songs I’ve written which are so anarchist, so extreme, and yet, it would do great song, even if they would be the total opposite of who he is, and what he wishes to achieve with his musical career. Doesn’t matter, as long as you write the most perfect song there is, my God, you can say and suggest just about anything, and if you can hide that even from the performer, turn it into a number one worldwide, then you can laugh all the way back to your grave. Irony has always been what characterized my work, let’s push it to the limits. I never minded being accused of just about anything, god knows I’ve taken the biggest risks ever. I can now be qualified as an anarchist, a terrorist, a pedophile, and what else. I’m laughing my heart out. Let them think whatever they want, as long as I am making a point, as long as I am getting somewhere. True, I’ve not been going anywhere fast lately, it could all change overnight however, it will change overnight at some point, I have to believe it, or else there’s no point for me to continue to live.
Let me take control over that, at least, so we can actually try to build a better world. Under anyone else, I’m afraid, you would be serving evil. Probably the President of America, there’s no greater evil at the moment. There’s been so much tampering at the moment with these election ballots, however democracy could still exist if statistics were radically for one party, it would not be possible to trick the ballot machines if so clearly a cheating party were to lose so clearly statistically but not in reality. I predict that within years, only statistics will be trusted to elect anyone, since obviously no machine that can be tampered with can be trusted. Awareness and statistics might still save democracy, since as it stands now, democracy is dead. Every election ends up in the highest courts, to denounce treachery, the world we live in, a sad world indeed.
Anyway, democracy is not the way forward, far from it. These political systems we had in the past, for hundreds of years, are long past date. I might not be the one who will rethink it, but something else is coming, I’m sure of it, and it will make everyone happy. Democracy might die in the process, however it might be a necessary evil, I predict it. We will come up with something better, I just know, it is the next logical step. If we cannot trust the election process anymore. We’ll elect someone there that we can trust, for life, and that will be the end of it. If you trust someone so implicitly, why not keep that person there for life? Impeach them as soon as you feel something is not right. Simple. This is still democracy, but of a different kind.
My God, am I finally developing my own little essay on politics? How nice would that be, as I though of revolutionizing that for such a long time, as it is so clear to me that democracy has been dead for years, and only now are we figuring it out.
Bush was never meant to be in power, that much is clear. Certainly not to win a second mandate. Something smell so bad here, it is a miracle that it has not been uncovered and denounced yet beyond all doubts. I suspect that many elctions and referendums have been tricked, especially anything that one be less than a percent, even five, you cannot trust the system. Fraud is everywhere, scamming people seems to be in the nature of anyone in power. Power is such a coveted thing, people would do anything to get it, to remain there once in power, and yet, this is meaningless, why, oh why? It’s mystery to me, as I never had any ambition, and that’s why I would be the perfect candidate, because I never 139 wanted the job, but if I were to inherit it, I’ll do a damn good job of it. You can believe it. And that’s what we need as our leaders, people who never wanted it in the first place, but that we know would do a damn good job of it. That’s why I think the actual system fail the people. The ones who crave power are all the wrong people, they are evil in nature, with more ambitions than is worth the job, which is after all a job of helping the people, something which usually goes against their ambitious nature. They’re not there to sort out everything, they’re there to gain recognition, make more money, play at being powerful. We don’t need that, that’s the last thing we need. Crawl back to your mother, and die. We have no need for you.
But enough about politics. I think I need to jump into poetry, unclear statements about everything. Where I am free to denounce everything, without actually denouncing anything.
12 August 2006 I have been back for one month now, though I’m trying hard to convince everyone and I that it has only been two weeks. The reason why is simple, I don’t feel like doing anything at the moment. Of course, one can only be idle for a certain amount of time before everyone around start panicking and remind us that this is not acceptable.
I have not worked on starting this conference business. I have not worked on the novel/film script with Leonardo, even though he worked on it, but only minimally anyway. I have done a minimum of research about starting my own eBay business, then again it did not go anywhere. So what have I done? For a month now I have been downloading just about every single book of sci-fi in existence.
That’s what I have been doing night and day. This is madness. I understand that Stephen should have exploded two weeks ago, however he has been so idle himself in recent months whilst he should have been looking for work, that it is harder for him to complain now.
However something happened tonight that is threatening my idleness. I have trouble figuring out what I should do at this point, hence I am writing here to understand. First of all, we need to see what destiny has provided. I am in the process of successfully stop all my creditors payments for another five months, so until the New Year I would not have to pay anything to anyone. An eBay business
What woke me up tonight is an email from my ex-manager where I used to work in Westminster. She’s very much to the point, one sentence only, am I back, what am I doing. There is also only one way to interpret that message, they want me back. Somehow the Bitch from Westminster loves me so much now, after she tried so hard to get me sacked at the time, that I’m certain she would fight hard for me to get my old job back. How did this happen? It’s a mystery to me. It is true that I had a change of heart myself about her, I learned to like her, and suddenly everything changed.
If it was to go back to Westminster working five days a week, I would not even entertain the idea before I was really stuck with family pressure and finances, and before having done a full scale search for a new job which has nothing to do with conferences or having to travel to Central London every day. However, I could not sleep tonight because it got me thinking. What if… What if I was only working part time? Three or four days a week instead of five?
It would make no difference to the amount of money I would be left with every month, because of my creditors leaving me with the bare minimum to survive, no matter the salary I get. What if on top of it I was actually working from home?
However let’s look at destiny, why have I downloaded all those ebooks? Because I would need them if I wish to read in the train whilst traveling to London every day. In three months I could have read every single book of Isaac Asimov, he wrote 500 books, just to give an idea of how much time I would be wasting traveling in those trains and the Underground.
I’m in a big dilemma right now. What will I answer her back? Easy to go back to my old job. Nothing to prove anymore since my only two conferences I produced there made a fortune. I learned a lot in the US, I could turn this place around in no time and be a bloody success. Easy. The complicated path would be, oh, start a business, or struggle to find a job that pays peanuts with a CV which suggests that I could get a job that pays £75,000 a year.
What he will tell me about is that he is no longer a virgin, that he can no longer stand his girlfriend who only talks of marriage, but then, only marriage could keep him in London, he has to leave within two months as his visa runs out. Must be quite a dilemma. So I guess we can meet in Richmond, drink ourselves to death all afternoon going from pub to pub, spend £100 in alcohol, and try to sort ourselves out.
There’s no limit anyway, is there, to whatever we can accomplish in this life?
Should we not be living on the edge, let’s just do it, let’s have fun, let’s die with a fucking big smile on our face. Let’s become billionaires, let’s get the freedom we deserve. Hi ha! Is this not what life is all about?
I came back at the right time, Stephen was sinking. Because of my return he actually called an employer, I emailed the CV, he got the job. And now it will be to sort my cousin out before he makes a mistake. He would have had already returned to Canada if I had stayed in L.A. two more months. Now I need to assess if he likes sex with his girlfriend, what impact it would have on him if he marries her, how much he really wants to stay in London or go back to Canada.
And I need to make him understand that marriage is but a formality, and divorce as well. That a return to Canada would have devastating effects on him, something he would only comprehend the day he puts his feet back there, unfortunately. Then it would be too late to come back. No more visa, no more opportunity to marry, etc.
God knows, he might announce me that he is gay and cannot stand fucking a girl anymore. How nice would that be. I guess that’s just impossible.
In the meantime, weather wise, I got what I wanted. I traded the permanent summer of Los Angeles for the eternal winter of London. It is true that for the first two weeks I thought the sun was about to kill us all, the leaves in the trees actually died and fell off right in the middle of July, like if it was autumn. Global Warming was certainly clear this summer, everything is burnt out. However the
I heard Avril Lavigne lives in Montecito, close to where I lived, it almost made me puke. What the fuck is she doing there anyway? She’s Canadian, we should be dreaming of Europe, not of less than what we already had in Canada. First thing I do when I start to work again, I ask for my British Citizenship, and I leave America behind forever. There’s no way I will ever move there again. I would go to prison before I do that, or live illegally in France for a while. I speak the language anyway, must serve a purpose destiny wise, it certainly stopped me from being a great author, that stupid deficiency I have with English. Why was I born in a fucking French environment, and not even in France, but in a retard colony from which I turn my back to a long time ago? I might as well speak Esperanto or Latin, or even Aramaic. What was the point of that? Could I have not been born in Boston, San Diego, Liverpool or Edinburgh, like half the authors of this planet? I have no future, I was mortgaged before I could even start dreaming about achieving something huge. I can’t even succeed on a small scale, why I have not committed suicide yet is a mystery.
I don’t think I could write a novel in English and ever be recognized or even published. So I guess I really need to get back to French. But French science fiction? Come on, there is not one publisher left in France publishing sci-fi.
There’s never been one in Quebec. What am I gonna do? I don’t even understand why I feel like if it was the first ever book I was about to write, for god’s sake, I wrote over 30 of them by now, that’s almost one a year since I was born. And yet, I am at zero. Ground zero. From here on end, this is the new beginning, the real beginning. After the next book I will write, we can delete everything else I wrote before-hand. Yeah, I sit here, thinking, I need to write a novel, and it feels like I had never written one before. It’s crazy! It’s because I know this is it, the next one has to be it, otherwise I’ll never try again, it will be game over.
I need the idea of the century, of the millennium. Shit, I need to write a new Bible and start my own religion. I guess I could do that. People are so ready to follow any lunatic these days, switch religion like we switch hat, sell our soul to whomever as soon as possible, we’re desperate. I need the idea of the century, with the content, dialogue and events to back it up. It needs to be epic, grandiose, perfection. How am I going to achieve that? I have to, no other choice.
No pressure… 21 September 2006 Almost October, it is almost unbelievable. That I have been back in London for so long, and it is like I simply shut down. Did not write anything, did not do anything, apart from reading stuff about conspiracy theories and sci-fi, mainly Stephen Baxter. And yet, I have not even finished reading his second book from his trilogy, can’t even remember now what’s called.
I have not thought once about suicide since my arrival, I spend my days with our new parrot on my shoulder, and the rest of the night I have my Murmy in my arms. How these animals can love you so much is beyond comprehension. We’re different species after all, and yet, if they could, I’m sure they would save your life. Makes me happy I’ve been vegetarian for over 20 years now.
I can’t say as much for my fellow humans. In Los Angeles I was confronted with the most despicable people ever, ready at any time to steal from you and leave you for dead in the gutter. I know now that it is the same worldwide. After our neighbors living in front of us kidnapped our dog two days ago and returned it 25 hours later asking for £80 as ransom, an hypothetical vet’s bill after the dog was supposedly hit by a car. The same neighbors who have alienated just about everyone around them, we hear them fight at night with at least two other households around here.
I’m starting to wonder if finally there’s no hope for the human race for any love or compassion. I feel that ultimate annihilation is inevitable, as even our politicians are corrupted to the brink. Nothing has changed from the past to the present, we just have a bit more technology to occupy our mind and prevent us from thinking any further about what is going on in the world. Good, better leave the world to the world, isolate myself and forget about it all. This freedom we think we have, those rights, has always been a mere illusion. I guess someone intelligent in the shadow thought: oh, I know, let’s convince them they are free and have rights, and let’s make sure that behind the scene it is as it has always been.
I have renewed my correspondence with my Timeline Switcher. I guess we’ll restart talking about how to change our future for the best. However, no matter how hard I think, there’s nothing else I want from life, nothing exciting I would like to fall on my head tomorrow morning. I’m ready to retire somewhere far from everyone and everything, and meditate till death, something that will never be granted.
I learnt yesterday that I have nothing to pay to my creditors for the next three months. That sounds like destiny, a great opportunity, some time I should use wisely despite the pressure from Stephen to find a job and bring some money in.
For that purpose I have rewritten my résumé, and now it looks like I am dumb and have barely any experience. Like I was just an assistant organizing conferences. So perhaps I will get a job that pays nothing, but where they can’t expect much either. However I know I am sadly mistaken, any job is hard and you always have to suffer your bosses who have a legal right to take over your life. We’re working harder today than anyone ever has in the past, this life of leisure they were predicting has been forgotten because of the greed of the corporate world.
I have no idea what awaits me after all that happened to me this last year. I guess it is the pinnacle of my career, this little trip to Los Angeles, what was necessary to seal my writing career. Now I can die, retire or find something that could top all that. Well, if destiny wants to through something my way, I won’t say no. In fact I am expecting something to fall from the sky soon. I have no idea what it will be, I just know that somehow it will top Los Angeles. Because despite the ups and down, in the end, when I look back, from the point of view of the experience I gathered, and what I have learnt, it has always been better each year. Every new year has brought me more than the one before. And I doubt it will suddenly change and go the other way.
You would not think that from looking at me tonight. I’m listening to Nana Mouskouri, something I thought I would only be doing if I felt near death. I have 145 a morbid interest in Mouskouri as my mother was always listening to it when I was very young. And I read recently that she has sold more records than just about everybody on this planet. What a chilling thought. Don’t worry, I can only listen to it for a while before having to go back to something more modern, like Muse for example, to get back on Earth, or in the case of Muse, somewhere else in the universe. I even believe I might have inspired some of their work, their last album is called Black Holes and Revelations and they have a song with the same title of my sci-fi novel on my website: The Shrinking Universe. A puzzling coincidence for sure, if that is all this is. And the singer/song writer being into paranormal as well, I fail to comprehend how he could have missed my website.
Maybe I have a larger impact on this world than I always believed. Great if it is the case, shame on me for believing it is if it is not. Soon I will start believing that I am Jesus-Christ reincarnated, and then know with certitude that I am suffering from bipolar disease or maniaco-depressive, or whatever these things are called in English.