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«Roland Michel Tremblay rm Kiddo Blog in L.A. 2 December 2005 Kiddo blog in L.A. 1 I have now an ...»

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First I thought this would not do, our styles are way too different. This is a film script, let’s be practical about it, we’re not writing a novel or poetry. Then I felt inadequate, English is after all my second language, and I certainly could make an effort to write like him, but I don’t want to. It is the same in French, I want to write what comes naturally, I don’t want this to become painful.

The result is of course that some people see in both my French and English, nothing that could be considered literature. And yet I claim to be an author, I have six books published in Paris, I have even written more in English than most authors in their lifetime.

Sometimes it comes back to haunt me, that perhaps I am no author after all, that I simply cannot write in an interesting style. Then I could just try, make an effort, but I don’t want to. I would prefer to stop writing altogether, so it is a no win situation.

Some sort of compromise will have to be reached. I will have to polish my style, and he will have to get down a notch in the literary work. Or else, he will have to rewrite everything I write. And it seems to be what he has chosen to do. At the moment, based on all my descriptions of the characters and my main timeline of the events (the short synopsis), he is writing the long synopsis and the story in detail.

This is something I never thought could actually happen. I have never met before anyone who could actually write or really contribute in a writing partnership. I have always been the one doing everything, or almost. Well, that is not true, let’s

–  –  –

In a way, it is remarkable, especially coming from someone who looks like a truck driver (and he has a truck), or a construction guy with no intelligence. In fact, he appears to be that genius guy who can be creative and excellent at everything he does. And that in itself makes me feel inferior. Something I never felt before, as I had never met anyone I thought was better than me, despite my doubts about my abilities sometimes.

The truth is, I need that guy. Without him, without his inspiration and talent with English and at writing, and even the music for the film, and his contacts, and god, what else, there is no way in hell I could even achieve anything here in Hollywood.

At the same time, I also feel that without my determination, my hard work, my 16 pages written in less than four hours, my whole thinking process, all my ideas which were able to bring all our theories and other inventions together, he could not have got anywhere either. I am the fire in his belly. I am the catalyst. Just as he seems to be for me.

Could it be possible? That each on our own could not accomplish great things, but together we will lay that huge egg that could actually rival The Matrix series?

Because our film script at the moment is so complicated, and so ingenious, that it could be compared to The Matrix. Not a poor copy, but an equal. And yet, we did not draw any inspiration from it. I am just talking in terms of scale of the project.

We could also just be dreaming, and this is also important. To be pretentious enough to believe that we could create a revolution and write something as huge as the best sci-fi films out there. Better not think too much about that now, let’s just concentrate on the job at hand.

We have not mentioned again his love declaration since it happened. We have only talked about the script. Tomorrow he is sending stuff to his friend actor about me, we were supposed to send what we have so far about the story. But we have decided to work a few more days on it, for greater impact, also because we have discovered that what he has written so far is so good, even it is all based on what I have written and my own ideas, at the same time, he can transform it

–  –  –

Or his life, which should not be long anyway because of his heart problems. Same for his friend actor, he discovered today that he has a tumor, and perhaps cancer got in there. This is just great, they will all be dead before the movie gets into production… Perhaps I should stop being creative, maybe there is a link with the life span.

Everyone seems to be dying at the moment around my friends, at times it seems it is all they can talk about. And since I have never really experienced that, I can be pretty insensitive at times.

I am still living under the illusion that I am immortal, and that everyone else is as well. The others who dies, they are never connected to me, or to the people I live with, it only happens to others and you read it in the newspapers in between the sports results, something else that is totally meaningless to me.

Today I had some sort of memory that came back to me. When we were going around Los Angeles in his truck, and we passed some attraction park on a pier. I saw that again in the movie Bean, and today it all came back to me. These few seconds on the road, actually meant something to me. I could be developing feelings for him, and yet I would not sacrifice my boyfriend for him.

Could I get to that point? Could I fall in love as well? It would certainly make everything much easier for both of us, for both our careers. It is adding a new dimension to it all. Well, he is certainly all that I could hope for, apart from being a Ginger Kid. Even that I was able to get over quite early on. He is a strong man, with strong hands, a well built body, and a bit stupid when it comes to computers and other areas of life like love and sex.

This is so cute, this is charming. He will also do anything to please me, never contradicting me, and yet he is very honest. He is such a nice and great guy, and I am almost realizing this at the same time as I am writing it now. But to replace my baby who is alone now in London? I don’t want to! I’m already in love!

46 Is this not what I wanted in the first place? Is this not what I wished for and dreamt about for many years? It is now all coming true, and I am fighting it, with all I have.

I thought for a second that the Kiddo could have been it, and I have to admit that I wanted it, I built a whole romance around him which has been systematically destroyed by him. He is 53, not 43. He does not look like the photo I had of him.

He still has a great voice, and god knows, I will use him for voice over if I can in a video game or a film at some point, but he is ultimately a liar.

He again invented a whole story about waiting for a plumber and a mess in his apartment in order to avoid coming here on Sunday. And Saturday it was his famous aunt again who wanted to see him and his sister. And I am sorry, it is just too much, too many times. Something else is going on, and at this point, I don’t event want to know.

It is obvious that destiny is rushing him out of my life as quickly as possible. He served his purpose, he helped me survive the first two months where I was so desperate and alone, I could have gone back to London on a whim, like my boss spitting on me yet again. When it is so important that I try to forget about that and concentrate on what I am here for, to write!

At least what I am writing now for this blog, is different from last year, what I was writing then. Something big was missing, obviously. And it could be just the beginning. Soon I might have a lot more to say here, once I meet these people.

And it takes forever, no wonder people drop dead here and there in L.A., they just can’t wait anymore for anything to happen. They have the time to die before anything actually happens. Just give me 100,000,000 dollars, and I will show you what can happen, and how fast it can happen.

I will produce a full scale sci-fi film faster than producing a miserable two day conference with 20 speakers on the program. The project will be so massive, it will surpass even the construction of those gas pipelines in Alaska. I will hire the planet! And we will build that spaceship for real, and I will ship myself outside the universe in the process instantly. How nice would that be…

–  –  –

All the stars in the Universe, beware, cos’ I’m comin’!

12 January 2006 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 16 Oh dear, I smoked more than one pack of cigarettes today. That means at least $150 a month I spend on that, not even counting what it does to my health.

My new boyfriend must be about to call me. It is 9h20 pm, he should be getting up soon. He lives at night, you see.

He calls me the next best thing that ever happened in his life, I believe. He told his closest friends about me already. They are all happy for him. He already talks of moving closer to me, and what he means, is moving in my flat.

I can understand that nothing would keep him in his miserable room, even though he has been living there for many years, and developed a special relationship with the owner, a Jewish woman who has been more than understanding with him. Letting him work around the house instead of paying his rent. And now he will start paying again in March, and I bet he would much rather move in with me, as he has hinted many times before.

15 January 2006 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 17 Leonardo takes so much of my time, that I can’t even finish my sentences in my own blog. As I was trying to say, he sees our relationship so consummated already that he talks of moving together, when the guy has never yet touched my dick or laid a hand on my body.

At the same time, the guy is a psychic medium which manifests itself in his dreams. He sometimes has vivid dreams and so far he said that they all came

–  –  –

Since his father’s death, he never had any more vivid dreams. And before his father’s death he had a whole string of dreams about it, he even blacked out at his father’s funeral and could not remember anything of what happened.

Since I came into his life, he started having these dreams again, and they are now about me. Not my death, and if it was he might not tell me, he said, but about our future together.

He saw me living in a huge house in the hills somewhere around here in California, I was rich and my mother was helping me dress for a special happy occasion. Leonardo was there, planting trees, and in the bedroom where I was looking at the ceiling, feeling guilty about something I had done. Another girl there was saying that I was not being very fair to him. That “him” was the problem.

To whom was I being unfair to? About what? This dream is a vision of the near future, three to five years at most. And Leonardo immediately assumed that the person I was not being fair to was him, when in retrospect it could have been anyone else, including Stephen in London (most likely).

So Leonardo called me this morning, almost in a panic state, asking me what it was that I was not telling him. How was I being unfair to him. Can you believe?

He accused me of not really signing the contract agreement between us, that I signed with my three initials only instead of my full name, and therefore voiding the contract. He thought my name was not my real name in the first place.

Is this paranoia that will develop into something that will quickly get out of control? Is it just that he has been so played around in the past by virtually all the people he thought were his friends, that now trust is the most difficult thing for him to give?

My signature is my signature, whether it is my full name or my three first initials.

The contract is fine, so it is certainly not what he was seeing in his dream. What could it be then? What is it about? God only knows, until at least he has another dream which will give us more data. And I certainly want to hear about it, 49 because if I will be unfair to anyone in the future, I better be aware of it and make sure it does not happen. My conscience would not allow it, as his dream appears to be indicating.

Will I be forced to be unfair then? Will I have the choice? When dealing with third parties, I might not ultimately be responsible. And yet, feel responsible in some way. At this time we simply have not enough data. However if he has these dreams now, maybe it is more connected to the present than we think. And maybe we have all the data we need. Something needs to be resolved, but what?

The only thing I can think of, is that at the moment I am very much in two minds about him and our future relationship together. Yes, he can be my best friend, he can remain so forever. But can I fall in love with him? Can I enjoy sex with him? I am not so sure. I still love my Stephen in London, I want to finish my days with him no matter what happens here in Los Angeles.

At some point I am afraid to say, I will have to tell Leonardo that I am sorry, but this will remain a friendship. Now, this cannot be said at this time, since I am between two minds and I am no psychic. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow, in a few weeks time, or even months. Something might grow between us, I just don’t know. But if yesterday was any indication of the future, and perhaps this is what prompted his vivid dream, then we have a good idea that it just won’t work between us intimately.

It did not help that he arrived here Friday night at the exact time that I came back from work. So I did not have the time to even clean the apartment. He also had to go to the doctor to get his cancer spots burned with frozen hydrogen. So he had all these bubbles over his face and body, and the word cancer spot, even if there is no cancer in this, but could develop in time, is not really appealing.

I was already wondering how I would actually want to be close to him after all that happened the first two times. I am starting to get a blockage as well, from fears that we might do things he might not enjoy.

So when we went to bed, at five in the morning, completely dead I might add, I was not in the mood and he felt bad. He sort of winged that he even used his coconut shampoo to be more attractive to me. It was the whining of a child. I did not know what to make of that.

–  –  –

I was however not in the mood, even if I did not say so exactly. I said I was tired and that we would do more the next morning. And then we did not do anything the next day. It must have left him inadequate, or filled with regrets. I don’t know.

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