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«Roland Michel Tremblay rm Kiddo Blog in L.A. 2 December 2005 Kiddo blog in L.A. 1 I have now an ...»

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I spent more than 200 dollars in our two days together. I am not usually counting my money, but every time I do at the moment, I know I am one step closer to never buy my used car. It does not matter anymore since my phone bill came in yesterday, and it is $330. So I can no longer buy a car.

We went to eat at Maggiano’s, cost me $70. We went to eat at Bob’s Big Boy on Riverside, another $25. Gas for his car, $20. Cigarettes and alcohol at my place, $30. Gay bar in Studio City, $31. Conversion of a DVD from PAL to NTSC for his actor friend, $65. And every time, I saw my car getting away from me, and I let it all happen willingly.

I don’t blame him, he has no money whatsoever and needs to borrow at high interest rates of 40% just to survive. So I don’t think that he is a leech at all, so that is not exactly a problem. However I will not be able to sustain such expenses in the future, that is certain. And I feel he knows anyway.

Well, at least we had an excellent weekend together, of which I will certainly remember for the rest of my life. We had great discussions about our film script and other ideas. We also went for a whole tour of the studios in Burbank. The Moon in the sky and the black clouds at night (unusual for L.A.) were just so unreal, it could have come out of a vampire Hollywood film.

And he looks just like Ron Howard, and I think people believe he is him. When we were at the Bob’s Big Boy restaurant in Burbank, it was weird to see people looking at us. It gives me some idea of what my life could be in the future if I get

–  –  –

Leonardo showed me the apartment of his actor friend, and at first he could not find the place, and pointed out to me the wrong building on the wrong street. My God, when was it last that he met with him? And then the right apartment was showed to me, and it was actually almost identical to the first one, so I believe the mistake was genuine.

In the gay bar in Studio City he was especially interested in “if other people would look at him”. And many did, as he looks like a truck driver, and therefore was the most masculine guy in there. Also that we were in Studio City next to Universal Studios. The place was filled with wannabe actors and one talked to us. Probably thinking that being older than the rest of the crowd, we were some big wig of the industry. When he realized that we were not, he disappeared quickly. I’m telling you, if I ever meet another one of those wannabe actor in my life, I’m gonna start shooting them.

19 January 2006 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 18 I have frightened the Leonardo tonight. Well, what do you expect? He showed up uninvited again at the same time that I arrived from work. Stayed long enough for me to get very drunk. So in the end he got to see some other side of me. The pessimistic and ugly side of me.

I had to tell him how I did not believe in ever meeting his great friends, and the desire to meet them had nothing to do with us working on that film script. Only him interests me, basically at this time, and what we can create together. Any other option should have been worrying to him anyway, it would mean that I am only interested in him because of his possible contacts, and that I did not care about him in the first place. Not sure if I was able to communicate that to him tonight, I guess not, I was quite off the wall. Too many beers I’m afraid.

The thing is, he is so engrossed in the one project that we are working on at the moment, he thinks there was nothing before it, and that there will be nothing after. For me it is just one project, and we should not forget everything else in

–  –  –

Maybe I am the realistic one of the two, when surely he should be the one who knows best in these matters. He has been in more than one hundred films, I don’t care if he only was a figurant or in supporting roles, that’s more than I will ever be able to conceptualize in my life or learn from.

What I tried to make him understand, is that despite the great success of his friends, things are different for us. It will not fall from the sky, hard work is required, and we need to be on the dot everyday and work hard at making anything happen.

Others had it easy, and from the day of their big break, everything just came naturally. Which is far from being our case. In our case, hard work is required, and even then, it might never happen, no matter how intelligent and wonderful it is.

He’s living in another world, where everything happens easily to everyone. While nothing happened to him so easily. Easy to forget when you are surrounded by success, the success of others, even when they are your best friends.

But then again, I am worried for no reason. The guy has it, he is brilliant. He will get us there, no two ways about it. Why he has not achieved that on his own before my arrival is a mystery, because it is obvious that he has it, more than I.

He obviously needed a catalyst, and I am it. So it is going to happen now, only because I came into his life, and that is why he fell head over heels over me. Sad when you meet people with so much talent, but need something to trigger it, me.

God only knows where this will end and what will come out of it. I’m listening to Morrissey right now, and he sings about Battersea Park, a song about a fatty. And I have met a guy a long time ago who was adamant that this song was about him. I have so much history myself about Battersea Park, including a love story with the most beautiful and wonderful young man with whom I worked with in Victoria in conferences, that I don’t need Morrissey to dream about that.

–  –  –

My baby in London, god, how I love him. He is everything to me, I don’t think I could love anyone else like I love him. I miss him so much, even if it is nice to have some freedom in Los Angeles now. Ultimately I’m going back to him, faithful completely, like it has been for many years before.

Oh dear, I love him so much, I’m crying again. And it is not just him that I love, it is London. And it can only come with him, it is a package. And I see that more clearly now that I have got out of it for a while.

If it is all that Los Angeles is, to meet the right people, then the day you have met them, you can leave right away. This connection will still exist, and then you can go back to Old England, the only livable place there is in this world. And still rip the profit from your eclectic and short stay in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles is growing on me, but I doubt it will ever be what London and the rest of England has been able to impress on me. It is too late. I had the time to visit every single town in that country, and this love affair is just beginning. I’m still crying for my huge lost. Nothing could replace it, not even Los Angeles. I’m going back, there is no question about it now, though I’m quite drunk and I may think differently tomorrow. But I would not hope so. Los Angeles pales in comparison to England, there is no question about it.

Everyone I have met here so far, are just not real. They are a caricature of life, and could be described as clowns, totally disconnected from the real life I have come to understand in time. None of them are real, how could they, they are so disconnected, it is amazing. We’re not living in the same world, that much is certain.

And that is talking without even having met the celebrities, the ones supposed to be completely off their head, with nothing in common with anyone of us. I’m just

–  –  –

They do suffer, but it is more like a Hollywood film than real life. That’s the only way I can describe it. As if they suffered, but not really, as long as they have a story that could become a film or something, as if their suffering was not that real anyway to begin with. I don’t know.

They seem plastic to me, I cannot believe any of them, they don’t seem real to me. There is always that idea at the back of my mind that it could do a great movie, and therefore, they cannot live normal lives, and it shows. None of them touches the ground anymore, not sure if they ever did. I don’t like it, this is fake, a fake world.

And I have been so fake myself all my life, you would have thought I would fit perfectly into their world. But I don’t. I don’t care to succeed or die. Better continue my simple life in England then, I do miss it. With my baby, who is very real to me. No pretense, no bullocks, just real life.

21 January 2006 Kiddo Blog in L.A. 19 Two days ago Leonardo told me of a dream he had, about going to that kid’s house whom he had sex with and which has turned into a nightmare for him. He dreamt that he went there because he was invited by the kid, but that the father’s kid was there instead. And then the kid came home with a friend, almost creeping in whilst Leonardo was talking about the song he wrote about their relationship in the past. Leonardo said that he did not think the dream meant anything because he did not feel the usual twitching when he woke up, and that it did not seem to be like his other lucid dreams.

This morning he calls me to let me know that yesterday (last night) his dream came true. He went to these people and everything happened just has he dreamt it. Something important must have happened last night, and in the dream he

–  –  –

Is he lying to me? Is it just that he had sex with that kid again and the only way he could prepare me for it was to tell me he dreamt about it the day before, and in fact, he met that kid two days ago instead of last night? What would be the point of lying about that? To make it more legitimate, part of destiny, that he could not fight against it?

Let’s assume it is true. What was the significance of the dream then? To prepare him? Or was it so emotionally charged and filled with some sort of weird energy, that it crossed into his dreams a few days before? And the dream was useless after all? He could have decided last night to not go there in the first place, he had the dream before. Does it mean that he had no choice but to go, or else the dream would have never happened in the first place? These are all interesting questions.

If after the dream he had decided not to go, then he would have gone back in a time loop in his life and he would never had the dream before. Even though he would have had it, in a different timeline or fluctuating reality where past, present and future mix altogether to become meaningless. Perhaps he can learn to change his life for the better, instead of just walking right through the warnings that he appears to be sending himself in the past.

However I have not heard the story yet, and perhaps something positive will come out of all of this. If he had sex with the kid, it would make it easier for me to tell him that I do not wish to pursue a relationship with him, just friendship.

Because this is how I feel like at the moment, but since I don’t know about if my feelings could change in the future, it is difficult to admit to him at this time. He sleeps here tonight, so maybe tomorrow I will feel different. We’ll see.

I just came back from a whole day with Leonardo. I met his friend. We did the usual tour of the canyons around here and a few towns, and Los Angeles.

I was in a weird mood all day. I could have shot myself in the head instead of doing anything today. My deep existential crisis mode came back and lasted the whole day, on the kind of scale I was suffering when I returned to Canada after

–  –  –

I call this my moments of awareness. And when it happens, I feel I have let myself be blind for quite a while, especially if it has been sometime since I last felt like that. The feeling that there is something wrong with the universe we live in, that it is all a lie, and that there is something else behind all the smoke that we cannot see. Life is just a game that I just do not want to play. And I am nowhere near knowing anything about what is, what I could call the real world, for a lack of a better word.

Funny enough, it might be this film script that we are working on that brought that crisis. Leonardo’s structure of the universe, which by the way goes much further than our own universe, and the idea that I am not allowed to discuss here, might have made me feel that we are much more insignificant that I first realized. And that anything we could ever accomplished in life is completely meaningless and a waste of time.

I can’t believe that yesterday I spent hours working on my business plan to start my own business, that I was all excited at the idea of finally get rid of the boss and making money. And today I fall flat on my face, becoming all philosophical and all, and wondering why I am alive and if it would make any difference at all if I were to die tonight. That’s quite a shift in my thinking, I tell you.

And what is it that prompted all that? I don’t know. Is it that Leonardo met his own kiddo last night, the one he was promising himself he would always stand clear from because he was too dangerous? It had quite an impact on me, I have to say. He was in love with that kid, he obviously still is, it has been less than six months since this whole sexual thing happened between them.

At the same time, I don’t think I could ever love Leonardo, and the thought of sleeping with him again, and that he would sleep here tonight, is perhaps what freaked me out all day. I was going to tell him that I did not want sex tonight, I did not want to try, because I think our first two times together really sort of traumatized me in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.

So I forced myself to tell him that he was probably right to go and see his kiddo last night. And now I simply don’t care what he does. He was still talking about

–  –  –

In fact, today, going around the mountains in Malibu was about that. Finding that house he says I will eventually live in that he saw in his dreams. He could recognize the two houses he saw, if he could see them now. So we went around the area he felt it was in, but we did not find the houses.

Funny that we were trying to find out about a vision he had about my future here in the mountains, when today I virtually made my decision that I don’t like it here, I don’t want to live here. And if I have to sacrifice a promising career in Hollywood by going back to London, I thought that this is exactly what I will have to do.

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