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I don’t think anymore that if my baby in London was here with me, everything would be fine. It is not only him that I am in love with, it is the life we have led for the last ten years in all these towns in England. It is also Europe that I am in love with, because I include France and Germany in all of this. After living there for 11 years, nothing can compare with it. Not even the wonderful canyons and mountains of Los Angeles, packed with all these great houses owned by the greatest stars, writers and producers the world has ever seen. I did an overdose of that today, I’m not impressed. I am only starting to recover now, since I came back to my familiar little room in Woodland Hills.
Of course, the worst thing is that this little trip around here, despite the fact that I was mostly not in the mood, will probably still have a great and positive impact on me, becoming more familiar with Los Angeles, and will make it harder for me to leave. I know that.
I recognize places now, we follow the same roads, it is becoming familiar to me.
We followed the whole Mulholland Drive, or whatever it’s called, through the mountains, and this should have been the most exciting thing ever for me.
Instead I could only think about how lost I was, and could only remember that I am working on a conference happening in Salt Lake City in Utah, such an alien concept to me. Too much exotism that I could bear at the moment, when all I wanted was to barricade myself between my four walls.
I wanted to jump in the car with my Stephen, and go somewhere in England to drive somewhere. Visit Yorkshire or something. Go to Earl’s Court to a concert, or Brixton, anything. I wanted my life back, see my cats, kiss them, sleeping with them all night long in my arms, as I have been doing for years. That’s what I wanted. And leave behind Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, and that office and conference job I can’t stand. That white building with a few palm trees in the car park. That run I do four times a day with my bicycle to go there and back to my flat.
I think I have reached my quota of being here, it has barely been three months.
And it will be another three before I can leave. God knows what can happen in three months, but so far not much has happened, and so I can guess that not much will happen in the next three months. However three months is not really giving it a chance, and six is certainly long enough for something to develop. So I should not jump to any conclusion.
It does not help either that everyone I speak with has been betrayed by most of their best friends, and that people here don’t appear to be nice at all. They all live in this weird state of paranoia, they cannot trust anyone. Well, Leonardo at least, and I just hope that his experience is unique in these matters. I don’t particularly feel the need to meet his friends’ actors and writers at any rate now.
And his love affair that turned sour with that kid simply disgusts me. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t want his deep psychological problems to become mine. They also smoke marihuana last night like crazy, and the kiddo gave him some. And today Leonardo felt the need to smoke it twice today in front of me in his truck. And I really did not like it.
My boyfriend in London might be on Heroine, at least I never had to look at him injecting it or smoking it. I never knew about it. That’s another thing I will have to tell him that I don’t want him to do in my presence. And I feel bad about it,
And I don’t think he told me all the truth about his meeting yesterday. Maybe they had coke, maybe they had sex, maybe god knows what else happened. And it is just a bit too much to be worried about that, when I don’t even like the guy that way. He has become too important in my life, he kind of imposed himself and stole all of my time.
We either speak on the phone for hours or we meet for days. That’s just too much. I want to get back to normal. I want to distance myself from him. I want my life back, even the one I had in Los Angeles before he came into my life. If he can feel any of what I feel right now with his psychic powers, I bet he will have horrible nightmares tonight. Let him call me and ask me if somehow I am not being fair to him. I will tell him all.
His friend that I met today, she said that I was very good looking. I thought he was telling her everything, but she did not know who the kiddo was. I realized I made a mistake there by telling her that Leonardo met him last night. When I asked Leonardo what his other two best friends would say about him seeing the kiddo, he said that he would not tell them about his meeting last night. When I enquired about why, he freaked out and I understood that I went too far in my personal questions. That he was getting annoyed that, for once, he was not the one wanting to speak about the kid, but I was the instigator of the subject. He was annoyed and said that he was not supposed to answer the phone, and that the kiddo insisted three times that he should come over, and he did in the end.
He also said that he would not tell his two other young friends because they would tell him it was a mistake. They have a tendency to tell him what to do and what not to do. And he did not like it. Finally I got something out of him, he was no longer mister nice. He is a human being after all. And I also understood that he tells me much more than he tells any of his other “best friends”.
Let’s talk about those two other young guys with whom he developed an excellent friendship over the years. One is filthy rich via his parents, the other is totally poor and has issues with a terrible family. They are both in their early 20s, are both good looking, and never had, apparently, a real girlfriend before. It sounds to me that they are both gay.
No wonder they all want to meet me badly, since they’ve heard so much about me, and how great I am, and how a miracle I have been in Leonardo’s life, even though I feel I have not done anything to deserve any of this. And I feel terrible because eventually I will have to tell Leonardo that I don’t want to develop a relationship with him, and it will hurt him.
At the same time, I think he can happily live with a simple friendship, since sex wise he his blocked in his mind anyway. The thought of having sex seems to repulse him as much as he appears to want it, as he asked to sleep here tonight and I had to tell him that I was in full existential crisis mode and would prefer some solitude to write instead.
Again, his deep psychosis is rapidly becoming mine. And I don’t need that shite right now in my life, not when I already have my boyfriend that I love dearly waiting for me in London. The only thing that is preventing me to call him right now is my last phone bill of $330. And I thought telecommunication in this world was getting better and cheaper, with so much capacity and all, and that the deregulation was going to bring prices down, I almost had a heart attack! It is $100 per hour, simple. Bring me Internet Telephony as quickly as you can, I’ll get rid of my normal land line at the first opportunity. To think that I organized the first conferences on the subject 10 years ago, and that it is still not here now, is a sign of times. The human race is not going anywhere any time soon.
29 January 2006 (1) Kiddo Blog in L.A. 20 I woke up this morning with the fear of leaving Los Angeles. Like a moment of awareness striking you and telling you: you cannot leave under any pretext, you will regret it. And I have to say, I never thought of how I would actually feel once
I would feel bad because this enterprise of coming to Los Angeles for six months would have led to nothing. From my definition of destiny it makes no sense. It is difficult to see where all this will lead, I don’t see myself falling in love with Leonardo, I don’t see my boyfriend in London coming here, I don’t see myself able to continue working in my actual job, I don’t see myself meeting important people in the business, and I don’t see this film script I am working on going anywhere anytime soon. It is a complete disaster, one month away from having to make my decision to leave or stay, for a departure in two months times.
January went by so quickly, it is amazing. We must have passed a patch in space where the time rate was going faster than usual, even this blog has suffered from fewer entries as usual, and I cannot blame Leonardo, I barely saw him this month compared with December and November.
My psychic friend, even though said that he saw me living in this huge house here in the hills in the near future, told me yesterday that he already knows that I will be leaving Los Angeles, that I need to, to realize perhaps that there is nothing for me in London apart from Stephen.
And then, what he does not realize, is that I could never come back to Los Angeles once I go back. It would be impossible. So I have to decide very carefully. And I might not have the luxury of a life changing event in my life to help me decide. I won’t be handed over a big contract in the film industry, I won’t see some sort of possibility for this to come true. So of course I would be thinking of going back to London. That thought is depressing me now.
At least he says he saw that our film script will make it big, it will change our lives. And I think so too now. What started out with another 20 pages I wrote for a film idea, with many new concepts for sci-fi, is now becoming a very well written sci-fi novel by Leonardo.
(NOT TO BE PUT ONLINE 1 START) We already had a lot of new stuff with his ideas of the structure universe, and my idea of the shrinking geometry of space, but now I have a weapon of mass destruction, it is a book called The Final Theory written by Mark McCutcheon, a Canadian-born Electrical Engineer now living in Australia, who published himself the most revolutionary book ever about his theory called The Expansion Theory.
It is very close to my Shrinking Theory, and he went much further in the development of his ideas. In my mind he confirmed all my observations, all that I thought the mechanics of this world were all about. He is the person I was waiting for, to help me justify all my ideas. However it will come at a very high price, I won’t get any credit for it, he will get a Nobel Prize. He will be branded as the guy who was more intelligent than Newton and Einstein, I will remain a nobody, even though I thought the same thing and it has been online for over ten years on my website.
I was unable to get it out like him in a book, to take the time to think this through thoroughly, to write the most convincing book ever on the subject. So no one in this world will ever think me as a genius, big deal I suppose. It was perhaps too big a dream to be compared with Einstein. It is vanity at its highest.
But would you want to be recognized if you had come up with Relativity just before Einstein, and could not get it out there before him?
It is like being the fifth Beatles, to help make it all happen, write the songs that made their earlier success, and still remain unknown and poor for the rest of your life whilst seeing the four others conquering the world. And you were that close to go on this adventure yourself and get all the credit.
It is even more painful when it comes to being declared a genius overnight, be recognized as the one that can make the world go much further, change the face of all physics and chemistry.
It is a bomb larger than a nuclear bomb, waiting to happen, and somehow I need to be part of this. This is more important and exciting than anything I could be working on, and incidentally, Mark will help me tremendously in that film script I am working on. In fact all my shrinking theory was already part of the film, we were to use it to shrink big material we will need to build the ship, and all the mountains, earth and water we would need for the interior of the ship measuring 50 miles in diameter.
We are also using the shrinking theory to propel the ship and explain how it can go so fast and so far in less than 20 years, with an ingenious new geometry of space where ships accelerating in the distance are simply shrinking away instead of covering any distance.
So ultimately I would not need to use Mark’s theory for the film. It has been less than 5 days since I have his book, and yet, I don’t see any change in our film script. But I will add his ideas to make the whole thing more credible. And if he does not give us the rights to do so, I can at least keep everything I already have. And yet, he will think that I based all that on his theory and could sue, and it will become a game of proving that I had the same ideas myself and it has been online on my website for over ten years. So to hell with that man, you’re not the only one who can rethink the world of science.
However, I think he will be pleased to see his ideas in the film. He needs to get it out there, and this is the perfect medium, and this is what I was talking about when I was saying that I wanted to change the world on a massive scale and that Hollywood could help me do just that.
It now depends on his own greediness, if somehow thinking of Hollywood will make him believe that he can collect 2 million dollars while passing go. Just because I would want to add a few sentences here in there to explain how the mechanic of the world works, which in the end is not exactly necessary, since my own theories were going far enough to be able to justify everything that is
What I will not be able to say, is that matter is always expanding at the same rate. I never said that before. I just said that anything moving in this universe was simply expanding or shrinking, depending on the frame of reference. Close enough, isn’t it?
Sad of me to not have seen the connection with gravity, especially when I had a few readers who asked me about how gravity would fit in my theories. I could have pursued it, I could have come up with the same conclusion as Mark McCutcheon. And it is tempting now in the film to use that critical gravity idea to propel the ship, but I can go around that and not mention it, easy, as we planned before I bought his book.